Ranger's Report

WHICH REINDEER ARE YOU?

2007-12-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

Heheh : )

You Are Blitzen

Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party down with Santa.

Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on Christmas Eve, while flying!

Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

I'M STILL HERE...

2007-11-29T01:41:00.000-05:00

Ah, dear readers, I'm so sorry I disappeared. It's been crunch time on a couple of things I'm working on and things should be better by the end of next week. Too many projects, too little time...or so SupahStah says. Can't even begin to say how thrilled I was when he asked, "Bit off more than you could chew, huh?"

I was going to set him straight on THE FACTS. I'm very organized and getting the jobs done, thankyouvermuchMisterSmartiePants. But then I remembered I have a blog. Whoopsie! That kinda slipped my mind the past little while. Hey!!! At least I didn't forget a kid or something ; )

Mamacita and I are heading to the Cmdr's place on Friday morning to meet up with the Peeps and deliver the goodies from the SecretSanta4Vets project...so excited!! SupahStah and his bud are HUGE Steelers fans and I actually won tickets on eBay for Sunday's game! So, they're coming with us....we'll have man-cubs to amuse, and most importantly, man-cub labour, to carry all the heavy boxes. Do I know how to work things to my benefit or what? ; )

Be good & stay safe!

I'M HERE...

2007-11-20T03:45:00.000-05:00

I'm good.

Busy.

Gotta go : )

SO MANY LINES, SO LITTLE TIME

2007-11-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

Saw this article about a man who married a dog over on PSA’s blog. LMAO @ the closer!

WANNA BE AMAZED?

2007-11-14T06:27:00.000-05:00

Ask a group of women if they'd be interested in helping out, in whatever small way they can, to bring a little joy to sixty deserving people. Oh, and it has to happen kind of quickly.

Then sit back and prepare to be amazed.

It's been less than a week since AE reached out with loving generosity and sparked The CMDRs posting a heartfelt invitation to send a bit of holiday cheer to the Veteran's she works with at the VA hospital....and ta-da!

EVERY SINGLE ONE of them will get a Christmas stocking, filled with all sorts of goodies.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of them will be getting his own fleece blanket.

Baked goods....cookies, snacks, treats of all kinds. Books, puzzles, things to occupy their mind. Cards and letters, telling them someone cares.

Small pleasures.

Simple things.

What most of us take for granted.

Once upon a time, I took life's simple pleasures for granted. I was one of the Have's, but I blinked. Suddenly, my babies and I were Have-not's.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Now, we are Have's again. But I'll never forget the lessons learned about what is important. Simple pleasures. Gratitude. Remembering it's better to give than receive. That there's always someone worse off than ourself.

Being a small part of this project has been important to me. To my soul. My life is a whole lot more blessed because these tremendous women call me Friend.

It's going to be a wonderful Christmas.

I GOT NUTTIN'

2007-11-13T08:14:00.000-05:00

Spent too much time on the computer last night catching up on email and updating The Project. The List on the bottom of the page over there is updated and I’ll try to post a What’s New blurb. Thanks to LS and FW2 for the linky love! Response has been tremendous so we opened an email address dedicated to staying organized with the Secret Santa for Brenda’s Guys. Any inquiries or donation info can be sent to secretsanta4vets@hotmail.com

Here’s a little AFMEIR for your Tuesday pleasure : )

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

---

I always suspected the Pig was a bit of a ho.

Here’s the required very girly “Awwwwww….”

Do ya think everyone saying, “That’s the ugliest damn cat I’ve ever seen” damaged it’s self-esteem?

Not sure why, but this always makes me laugh…my inner child must be a bully.

OOH, HE DOES WINDOWS TOO

2007-11-13T08:04:00.001-05:00

STILL FEELING VERY FA-LA-LAAAA

2007-11-12T23:25:00.000-05:00

Yep, the Christmas Bug has bit me but good : ) I did a little more shopping today while Manimal and SupahStah closed the trailer... heh, how I managed to both get myself out of doing that and go shopping is beyond me. Must study strategy used...verra successful.

Since the weather was so nice, I would have loved to ~~nag~~ ask them to put up the Christmas lights, but we'll be using them at Sugah Pie's birthday Luau on Saturday. Every great party starts with setting the mood, dontcha know? I've already warned the minions not to make plans for next Sunday as well be holiday decorating outside...that pretty much guarantees we'll have some snowy and/or rainy, blustery gusts directly from the North Pole. I don't even need to look at the Weather Channel.

You may have noticed a new link on the top right corner. Here's what it's all about...the bestest part of the holidays is being involved in projects like THIS ONE. I'd really appreciate it if everyone visiting here checked it out, passed it along to anyone else who might like to help out and let me know if YOU can participate....some of you will be getting emails strongly encouraging you to participate...you know who you are ; ) Hey, I didn't spend so many years as a suburbian-soccer-mom without learning a thing or two about how to get people to help out a worthy cause.

It doesn't take much to make a difference, and boy-oh-boy, does it ever feel good! Okay, I'm not gonna lie here...it doesn't feel as good as sex, but it's still pretty good.

SKATING COWBOYS

2007-11-11T23:48:00.001-05:00

Well, ladies, doesn't this make Monday a little easier to bear? : )

2007-11-11T12:55:00.000-05:00

SupahStah, wrote this poem tonight. He's given me permission to publish it. All rights to this work, in part or in it's entirety, remain solely the author's.

UNTITLED - 11 pm, Nov 11/07

The soldier sat
Badgered, Bloodied, Bruised, Broken...
Physically.
But not mentally.
The enemy tortured him for hours,
But the soldier sat
Silent as a stone.
Except...
When asked any question,
That might give away the position
Of his regiment, batallion or platoon,
He simply answered,
Brown
Corporal
Five-Six-Three-Oh-Seven-Nine.

The soldier sat
Busted, Bleeding, Battered, Broken...
Physically.
But not spiritually.
The enemy had pistol whipped him,
And broken his nose.
He stripped the soldier of his uniform,
And burnt him with lit cigarettes.
And the soldier screamed,
As he knew the pain he felt
Would never compare to how he'd die inside
If he sold out his Corpsmen.
So he screamed, but nothing more,
And spit in the enemy's face.

The soldier lay
Aching, Agonized, Atrophied, Almost...
Dead.
But not yet.
The enemy had thrown him to the floor in anger,
And proceeded to kick him in the ribs
With those high leather boots.
But the soldier emitted nought but a grunt
As his ribs broke.
When the enemy grew frustrated
With the soldier's willpower to keep his mouth shut,
He stood him up and backhanded him across the cheek
And the soldier laughed.

The soldier kneeled
Solemn, Suffering, ShellShocked, Sour...
But only on the outside.
Now the soldier was terrified,
No longer the model of courage and bravery,
As his hands rested upon his head,
In the surrender position.
On his left was a Private,
To his right, a Gunner,
And behind him...
The enemy with a sidearm.

The soldier's mind raced,
As he thought of his home,
His mother, his brother, his sister,
His wife...
His Lord. He prayed hard and fast,
Our Father, who art in heaven,
I'm coming, welcome me, forgive me for my sins...
The officer spoke,
"Sie können abfeuern, wenn bereit".
Their language, So harsh.
His wife... he loved her. More than life itself.
He would always watch over her.
Beginning now. He knew
He'd helped to keep her free.

And Corporal Brown died with a bullet in his head.

Lest we forget,
Those that died for the freedoms and rights
Of the civilians of today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

Thank you.

~ A.M.

REMEMBER

2007-11-11T02:21:00.001-05:00

CALORIC SKYSCRAPER

2007-11-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

Sky High Mud Pie @ M.ontana's. Two 13 year-old girls devoured this monster...I think my waist expanded just watching it!!! A great time was had by all at Sugah Pie's birthday dinner. She loves her camera -- just before she opened her gift, she commented with a smirk that the box was too small for a bed. I told her it was an inflatable bed : )

As if my baby turning 13 didn't jolt me enough, the next day she had her HIGH SCHOOL tour...and then today, Sweet Pea had her GRAD photos done!!! *whimper* I didn't plan this out well at all. Yes, I know...suck it up, Buttercup. Well, dontcha know I did just that? Yesterday, I took Sweet Pea to the salon to get beautified. Jules did a great job...a rich, chocolate base colour with caramel and deep honey streaks. She trimmed the ends and added some layers. It looks amazing!! She's been flouncing around like one of those nauseating models in a shampoo commercial ever since. Oh man, Sugah Pie and I are a wee bit jealous.

Home re-decorating has resumed. The main floor bedroom was given a secret 48-hour makeover while Manimal was still in the hospital...I wanted him to have a comforting place to recuperate. When Elvis stopped by, he called it a sanctuary. Exactly what I was trying to achieve : ) I purchased everything in a whirlwind 1-hour trip at WalMart and the kids did all the work. Amazing job...they really stepped up. Sweet Pea and Scooter painted the living room a few weekends ago and the kitchen has been done. SupahStah finished painting the dining room last night. I'm planning on putting new hardware on the cupboards, and I need to haul my tush over to Sears and pick up the new curtains for the living room. I am VERY pleased with the results. What's that, you say? You sense an ulterior motive? Heh. Isn't there always one? I'm trying to inspire Manimal to lay the ceramic tile (that's sat in the front hall cupboard since March) before Christmas. Well, it's too difficult for him to do right now, but I'm hoping he'll hire someone to get it done. Finally.

Manimal's doing well, but he still gets very tired more easily than he expects and is blindsided when he has an emotional reaction. Halloween would have been his dad's birthday...the first one since he passed away. We had a few very touchy moments that night. At the restaurant for Sugah Pie's birthday, he was returning from the restroom and saw someone he'd walked past noticed the bulge under his shirt from the colostomy bag. I wanted to cry for him...he was mortified and really did his best to shake it off. No matter how determined he is to keep a great attitude, it's one of those things that hits him when he least expects it. Having your sense of normalcy stolen away really sucks. Yesterday, he picked up the copy of his emergency room file. Cost him $120. Interesting reading. Okay, it wasn't interesting. It was upsetting as hell, all over again. I've got to deal with the fact that it's going to keep upsetting us until something has been done about it. Maybe when the docs are in Lawyerman's hands, I can let it go a bit. *shrug*

On a nicer note, I picked up Manimama's Christmas present today. Check, check....just lookie at all the checks on my list! Heehee.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUGAH PIE : )

2007-11-06T04:55:00.001-05:00

My baby, Sugah Pie, turns 13 today. It's official...she's a TEENAGER. She's been reminding us, both figuratively and literally, for months.

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Only XX number of days until my birthday."

"Wow. It's getting close."

"So, for my present, I'd like one of those Chocolate phones."

"We already bought you a cell phone. You don't need another one."

"Okay." *insert baleful-eyed glance* "Then...can I have a laptop?"

Snort.

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Only XX number of days until my birthday."

"I know. Sounds like you're getting pretty excited."

*insert batting eyelashes* "About that laptop..."

Snort.

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Only X number of days until my birthday."

"Yes, you've mentioned that a few (hundred) times."

"Have you bought my present yet?"

"You're not getting a laptop."

Disgusted huff.

"Guess what?"

I don't know why I keep falling for that stupid question, but I do. "What?"

"Only x number of days until my birthday."

"Look, kid, knock it off, okay? I know. I was there, too."

"Geez, you don't have to be so grouchy."

Deep breath. "Pie, you've been reminding us for weeks, every single day." *insert reassuring smile* "It's not like we'll forget your birthday, sweetie."

"Well, DUH!" *insert tortured sigh* "I'm not stupid you know." *insert glare copyrighted by teens.

"Sugah Pie, what's going on with this countdown?"

"I just REALLY want to know what you got me."

"Well, you're just going to have to wait."

"Can I have a hint?"

"Well, it's not a laptop."

"You're so mean."

"Yes, I'm aware. Thank your brother and sister."

She actually lay her head on my shoulder. "Puleeeeze, Mommy?"

SNORT.

As you can imagine, this got pretty tiresome. I wanted to take her focus off the material expectation and give her a little reminder on manners and priorities, so I called her into the bedroom a few weeks ago. We told her that since she's been complaining her bed is uncomfortable and we're re-decorating her room, we decided to get her a new bed and bedding for her birthday.

"You're kidding."

We shook our heads. As she started the complaint warm-up, I raised an eyebrow.

"Sugah Pie, let's not forget...a gift is up to the person who GIVES it, and we should always be appreciative. If the recipient doesn't like the gift, they can talk to friends or siblings, but it would be rude to say anything to the gift-giver."

The next day, Sweet Pea pulled me aside.

"Are you guys buying her a bed for her birthday?"

"Ummm. No, but please don't tell her that."

"Okay," she laughed. "Don't tell her I told you this. She came into my room last night, all depressed. Flopped down on my bed and said, 'Guess what I'm getting for my birthday? A bed. A friking BED!!! Who gets a friking bed for their friking 13th birthday?!?!?'"

Perhaps I am an evil mother, but I couldn't help it...I laughed my ass off.

She kept giving us the birthday countdown, which turned into the hourly countdown last night, but I didn't have to hear another word about a laptop. Hopefully, she'll like the digital camera we did get. If she doesn't, we're adopting some of those little starving kids from Zimbabwe they always show on TV and presenting her with their picture for Christmas.

"Look what we got you! Bet they wouldn't mind a friking bed."

Here's some AFMEIR....the first one looks remarkably like my daughter did when I told her she was getting a new bed : )

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of ruled notepaper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."

Christmas Light Show

2007-11-05T00:54:00.001-05:00

C'mon now...doesn't this get you a little excited for the holidays?

GUESS WHO CAUGHT THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

2007-11-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you who didn't...

Manimal: (Either) A total grouch all weekend, creating a tension headache based on no small amount of jaw-clenching, (or) inexplicably denied himself the abundant joy of sharing my cheerful opinion on any number of subjects. Bah!

Sugah Pie: Moderately alarmed that my Yuletide mood would deprive her of L.O.O.T. befitting a birthday Princess. Fears abated after reassurance that I'd already purchased everything for her birthday and Luau, and that goodness would prevail in her universe.

Sweet Pea: Declared herself the family Grinch this year and grumbled when SupahStah played Christmas carols (that's the spirit, m'boy ; )

Now, whyevah would a normally festive girlchild of 17+ years choose to be a Grinch?

She realized that since she has a J.O.B. this year, she will actually have to P.A.Y. for gifts to her loved ones ...using her O.W.N. money.

Gasp!?!?!

Yes, darling. Really.

Grumble, grumble.

So that's who didn't catch the holiday spirit this 4th day of November. My firstborn and I, however, couldn't help ourselves and are totally pumped for the up-coming season. As I wrapped gifts this evening, he organized and played all the music we'll need to get us through the next two months (!) in the merriest of moods.

The box containing wrapped gifts for Tink, Tippy, Bean and Oz is packed-up, addressed and ready for it's Alberta-bound journey to begin at the Post Office (Oh, let's not go there.) So, hah! Don't even try to tell me the season isn't filled with everyday miracles.

One of my biggest challenges is the Annual Ornament Hunt ... I'm always cheery after finding each ornament that somehow reminds me of specific friends. Now, don't go thinking I just pluck any old air-freshener off the shelf at the gas station and send it with a note that lovingly declares, "This made me think of you." Nope. I really think about these people while I shop until I find The One. It's sometimes an exhausting, tear-inducing task I commit myself to. Yet, each year, I continue ... sort of like the kid that keeps banging their head against a wall ... because somehow, no matter how painful, it's also oddly fun. Well, boys and girls, this year, The Hunt began with great success. Five friends are already checked off the list. Woohoo!

Normally I love Christmas, but this is a little early, even for me. Blame it on Tim Horton's. No word of a lie, I received my first Timmy's Christmas cup at 9 pm on October 31st. Those not yet prepared to have the most ~~expensive~~ Wonderful Time of the Year shoved down their throats could be forgiven for shrieking, "My gawd, what IS it with these people?"

I can almost hear Tim's managers barking out the order ..."Okay, people. It's 8:55 pm. Trick or treating is sooo OVER. Get out those Christmas cups NOW! Move it, move it!!"

After all, there's ONLY...

P.S. Motorman: Yes, I promise to bake Grinch poo this year ; )

HALLOWEEN PIX

2007-11-02T21:09:00.001-05:00

Ummm . . . not really.

Haven't downloaded them yet. Heh. I'll share later.

Lots of cuties came abeggin' for candy. Manimal said to one little doll: "Now, aren't you cute? You're a little angel, aren't you?"

With a bit of a huff, she turned and said, "I a Oooniecorn!!" (Geez, anyone could clearly see that from the tail and horned head hanging on her back, lol.)

I'm always amazed at the courage displayed each October 31st. Our two-year old neighbout was dressed up like a rooster. Absolutely fahrikien ADORABLE!!! But tell me this . . . who in their right mind dresses a child up like a bird and sends the wee babe to the Crazy Cat Lady's house????

That's just not right : )

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2007-10-31T05:51:00.001-05:00

A LITTLE ZOO UPDATE

2007-10-30T15:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm reading the emails. Yes, I'm sorry for the bad blogging habits. Yes, I will try to do better. Yes, I will probably fail. Deal with it, why don't you? :P

Everyone kept telling me to slow down or I would burnout...ummm....it appears I'm not so good on the listening thing. Hah, who knew??? I guess all the stress from this uber-ugly year finally caught up with me. I've been pretty good at ignoring and rationalizing the effects of stress, but I still haven't figured out how to best the CHF symptoms when they whomp me upside the head. Last week, I got WHOMPED....and it pushed me over the edge. I guess I was just mentally and physically exhausted. While I did the bedrest thingy (blech) and cried, "Please don't make me go to the hospital..." I started my version of the basket-weaving project. Knitting. I'm on the second blanket now...hehee, the kids should be pretty damn snug this winter.

Manimal & Mamacita ~~dragged me~~ found us a new GP, so off we went to see him (EXCELLENT guy.) Not only did he medicate me on the spot...gotta luv him for that...he also listened and paid attention to details. WOW. I've been following everyone's orders: rest, rest, rest. He also prescribed some new meds (some are kinda groovy) and I have a follow-up in a week. Oh, and now for some reason, I'll also be going to a sleep clinic. That should be cute. I can barely fall asleep in my own home...it will be a bit of a challenge to do it when people are watching me....ewww. And it turned out I was also potassium-deficient, which leads to fatigue, muscle weakness, heart irregularities, anxiety and confusion. Weird that my previous doctor, may he rot in malpractice hell, never tuned into it.

On the plus side, SupahStah admitted he was feeling the effects of all the stress and leaving was just a panic move on his part. He flew home Sunday morning and is back in college. Needless to say, it made me very happy to have him home again and grateful he's decided to pursue his education. A huge TY to Tink & Tippy for being the aunt & uncle with the mostest, opening their hearts and home, and giving my kid a place to run away to de-stress.

Manimal is doing great...even if he's become addicted to "Deadliest Catch." He's a little frustrated at the loss of so much muscle mass and strength. I'm not sure what he expected...he lost 40 lbs. Everyone repeat after me...you were a very sick guy. Yesterday was his follow-up appointment with the surgeon, who is extremely pleased with his progress and was a bit surprised at how soon he went back to work. Oh boy...wanna see a happy camper? Manimal after doc put him back on a regular diet. Woohoo!!!

As it stands, he's got some tests in January and the reversal surgery in March. That pretty much screws over any chance of the Carib vacation for either Christmas or March break. Ack, maybe next year. At least I'll be able to head to the Cmdr's for the Army/Navy PJ Party in December....soooo looking forward to it. I miss ya, ladies.

Sweet Pea has grad photos next week. I can hardly believe it's that time already. She hasn't mentioned her prom dress yet...two graduating girls in June. I better start saving my bucks now. For Halloween, she's going to a toga party....omg, I don't even want to know the details.

Sugah Pie is busy making invitations to her 13th birthday party...she's having a Luau in a few weeks. Tomorrow night, she'll be roaming the streets with her pals as a fairy princess. No store bought costume for this kid...she put the ensemble together weeks ago. She's also the kid who asked if we could go to New York City to buy her grad dress. I'm pretty sure my response was, "Back off, Miss Hilton." *snort* "Ya live in the sticks."

There you have it...even if Zoo staff isn't functioning at optimum levels, the animals ensure we still drag our butts out the cave and face another day.

Thanx to Stephanie for this one : )

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away.

BEST CAT CARTOON EVER

2007-10-25T13:26:00.001-05:00

Thanx to RebelliousRose and Bonz on the bb for sharing this : D

BEGGING BEARS

2007-10-24T20:14:00.001-05:00

Saw this on the Mayor's site a while ago, lost it and have been searching ever since. Why? Because I almost peed myself laughing when I watched it. Yep. An animal lover should know better but I thought it was wicked-ass funny. I KNOW the damn bears shouldn't be reduced to this, but I can't save the world so I'm gonna laugh!!!

SO THAT WAS MONDAY

2007-10-23T23:09:00.000-05:00

Story of my life...I just begin to think I'm getting my feet under me again and something sends me for another loop. Monday night, SupahStah quit college and flew back to Alberta. He already had his old job waiting for him. POOF!

And he was gone.

It wasn't a pretty scene...the stress of the last few months have been hard on him too, filled with plenty of misunderstandings and arguments. I think he's very confused and angry and felt this was the best decision he could make. He left me voicemail this morning, saying he plans on going back to college at some point. Every parent knows the fear that follows that sort of comment...

BUT, I'm grateful he's gone to stay with family. I know Tink & Tippy will be there for him while he sorts out what he needs to. I miss him already, but as I said, the past few weeks haven't been great between us...so I've been missing him for a while. I'm going to do my best to support him, wish him luck with paying off his debts and saving enough to give college another go. I just hope he knows we love him unconditionally. And, that despite the really cool clothes, gangsta isn't the way for a grown man to live, so I hope he never gives up on the edumacation and dreams ; )

YARDWORK and AFMEIR

2007-10-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

Contrary to what K-Bear implies, I have both an Internet connection and have been spotted in the daylight. I am such a multi-tasker.

Thanks to some beautiful weather over the weekend, I managed to start on the fall clean-up of the backyard. Most people prefer spring clean-up...tolerating the squishy mess for the benefit of everything new sprouting up and all that. While I enjoy the renewal aspect in the earliest warm days of the year, I adore fall. Soaking up the last warm weather and sunshine, getting everything ready for the coming winter, while reflecting on the summer past and setting goals for the future. There's something in me that connects with that tidy summing up of a full circle.

Not that I'm all that tidy about it. My pruning of the wild raspberry vines has a bit of a scorched earth policy to it. Over the past ten years, I've tried a myriad of ways, both intentional and unintentional, to kill that sucker. It simply WILL. NOT. DIE. If one little sprout manages to take root, it goes wild. Heh. Guess that's why they're called wild raspberries. For a decade, I've tried to contain it to it's original spot. I've even encouraged it to move east, behind an odd little structure I've tried to pass off as (a) a gardening shed; and/or (b) a pool house. It's neither. It's a crappy little building left by the previous owner and we just haven't demolished yet. I'm secretly hoping the damn raspberries will one day surround it, and then eat it, thus saving me the work of tearing it down. *sigh* No luck so far.

This year I made the pruning of the vines a therapuetic experience (for me, anyway) and really hacked away at it. CHOP. CHOP. CHOP. If it makes it through what I did to it yesterday, I think it's only fair to concede the battle and let it have the whole south-eastern part of the yard.

Now listen up kiddies. Stay out of that neighbourhood. That's The Raspberries turf. Those homeboys are skeery.

On another note, I'm introducing an acronym to the Report:

AFMEIR -- Amusement From the Myriad Emails I Receive

Very cool, but the cheap Dutchman must be rubbing off on me...I couldn't help but wonder how much extra the caterer charged for these watermelon artsies...

Aww, how cute. Kitty bathroom pictures...but WTF are they feeding this cat? It's FAT. Look at the gut on this thing!! I recommend ya skip the laxatives kitty, and just try a healthy diet.

Something about keeping a toothbrush in the bathroom seems nasty to me, so mine is on my dresser. Well, now it's in my dresser, cuz this sufficiently grossed me out...

I wonder if the guy who took the pic bought new toothbrushes or just let his wife keep using hers??

I CHECKED THE SPY-O-METER...

2007-10-19T20:49:00.000-05:00

...and I'm humbled you still keep stopping in here to check up on me. Thank you so much for all the emails, messages, and birthday wishes. I sure have a lot of catching up to do. On top of everything else, we've had nothing but Internet and computer problems, so I'm feeling pretty disconnected. I promise to catch up over the next week.

This was a brutal test for our family, but we've made it through the first month. Manimal is doing wonderful! He went back to work a day shy of four weeks. Stubborn man...but I'm really proud of him.

As is usually the case when one mate falls ill, the caregiver gets everyone through the crisis...then falls apart for a bit and takes a while to recover. I spent most of the week like this...

Thought I'd share some words to live by, out of one of my favourite emails received in the last month. Thanx, D : )

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:

'If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... and then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee provided us.'

Brew the coffee, not the cups . Enjoy your coffee!

'The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.'

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest alone.

2007-09-26T19:20:00.000-05:00

Manimal came home yesterday. Of course, we're all glad to have him home, but I'm really nervous...afraid I'll miss something vital. Doctor wanted to keep him another day, but he pulled a "the food sucks here" card. His first request...Cap'n Crunch cereal. 41 years old and he craved junk cereal...which we don't keep in the house. Hey, no problem...it's only a 40 minute round trip to the store.

I'm exhausted and bitchy. No desire to communicate with anyone, but really appreciate the supportive words received. That being said, I'm certainly not blind to who hasn't gotten in touch.

The water pump picked this morning to kick the bucket. No water until we spent $550 and find someone to install it. Unfortunately, SupahStah had a date tonight that he COULD. NOT. POSTPONE.

I couldn't sleep last night...didn't help that we had a wicked thunderstorm and all the animals called upon their inner wussy. The kitten hid in the linen closet...all over the patient's clean linens. Sure, it's not like I mind more laundromat time. Rex jumped on the bed with Manimal to ~~snuggle~~ hide like a coward, and I was so scared the dog would jump on his stomach I almost had kittens...as if I need more animals.

The home-care nurse came in this morning. I've already had to fix the dressing she changed. God certainly has a sense of humour. Props to the Big Guy for sending a gal who shares her name with Manimal's ex...and has the same accent to boot. Yep. We're havin some fun now.

2007-09-21T00:36:00.000-05:00

Manimal Update: Today wasn't as good as yesterday, which I expected. He went off the morphine at 6 am - fed up with the freaky dreams. Unfortunately, he didn't take the other pain meds until two in the afternoon. Stubborn man. He'd already been up walking twice when I got there just after everyone else's lunch. The physiotherapist came in to check his lungs. A little congested. More coughing/breathing exercises needed. His white blood cell count is elevated. He looked totally exhausted when they were done.

On her way out, she passed the enterostomy nurse coming in to give us the lesson and show me what supplies we'll need to buy. Holy moley, this is like a whole other world. Yes, it was gross, but nothing like I feared. And nowhere near as scary now that I've seen it. She was really nice and answered all the questions I could think of. I'm sure I'll have a dozen more tomorrow, but I'm feeling a little more confident. Then his nurse came in to take the catheter out, and as soon as she left, the nutritionist came in. I politely but firmly told her to come back later in the week. He isn't even on a clear fluid diet yet, so I'm pretty sure he can do without hearing what foods he should eat...eventually.

At that point, I could see he was getting very un-nerved. He started telling me all these people wanted to poke him with needles and jostle him and he was hungry, but after the popsicle yesterday, he felt sick to his stomach. Oh, how well I remember it...Pain+Fatigue+Frustration=a rapid loss of confidence that it will ever get better. I let him talk for a bit and just held his hand. Then I tucked him in with orders to sleep for a while. He called me two hours later apologizing. I swear, there's no way I was this polite when *I* was the patient!!

When I got back he looked a lot better. We went for a long stroll down the hallways. Just like old times, only now he's the one pushing the IV pole. Geez, I sound like we're ninety. He admitted he's having a hard time with memories of his dad. I expected it. He's still grieving, so of course the two emotional upheavals are going to play against each other. I want to keep him talking because I'm really afraid he's going to try to be "tough" and end up slipping into a depression.

My email is a-go again, but I'm sorry, I just don't have the energy to reply to everyone individually yet. I'm reading them though and trying to keep my cell voicemail empty, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle so please bear with me. I do get to it asap.

To the friends who have stood by us or come out of the woodwork...please know I am eternally grateful. There's nothing worse than feeling alone and abandonded when you're going through something so unexpected and foreign to any experience you've ever had.

Tink...gawd, girl. What can I say? You know how much we love and need ya, right? Are you sure you and Tippy can't get posted here??? {{{hugs}}}

Motorman...Thank you just doesn't seem enough. Please keep reciting, "Payback's gonna be such a bitch." ; )

S...Thank you! That would be wonderful. I'll contact you soon or feel free to give her my email addy whenever you think it's time. I really appreciate it.

Andrea...Thank you! Yes, it will be reversed, so it's a paste wafer. They've told us 3 - 6 months...any idea how they determine when it's time to reverse? Will the recovery from the reversal surgery be as bad as this one? Anything you can share is so appreciated. I'm so sorry your DS went through this, but I'm grateful for your info & support.

Beebles Update: She should be getting out of hospital on Friday. They've delayed it twice to adjust her medication. As her very wise son said, better a few days now than a relapse.

Robyn Update: I keep hearing I have to take care of myself. As soon as I find the time, I will. There's a lot I'll have to say once I'm not dealing with this 24-7. For now it's safe to say I've learned many harsh lessons in the past two weeks. More fool me.

2007-09-20T00:54:00.000-05:00

Wow. I burned off a lot of anger with the previous blog. Rest easy, I haven't felt the need to cuss like a truckdriver in this one.

Manimal's doing really well. He's been up walking twice, only used the handy-dandy morphine button twice all day. Very determined to get better and get off it. Of course, that has a bit to do with the morphine itself. He's HUNGRY...his last meal was Saturday. He'd only had ice-chips since the surgery and tonight the nurse brought him a popsicle...his eye's lit up like a two year old. "Do I really get to have the whole thing?" She chuckled. I can't remember the last time I saw someone enjoy a popsicle so much. He told SupahStah he can work from the hospital through emails. Or so he thinks. When he asked me for his palm-pilot, I just him the evil eye as I shook my head.

As long as he continues to do well, he'll be in hospital for a week and off work four to six weeks. I hope Motorman will let him come back after that. Tomorrow I'm getting a lesson on the care of his incision and in all the workings of this new-to-us gadget. He wasn't sure how I'd handle it and told the nurse not to "push me" because it's "really gross." Sweet, but stupid of the man. He knows I'd rather have a chance to ask questions. Fear of the unknown and all that. I totally understand his insecurities about how I might feel, but I told him that I'm going to love those scars because they saved his life. Odd that we've never spoken the "richer/poorer, sickness/health" vows. We just live it.

After he's discharged, a home care nurse will come in for two to three weeks to help with changing the dressings, and any problems we run into. Thank goodness...it would be a bit of an understatement to say I don't have a helluva lot of confidence in myself as a caregiver right now.

Thank you for the emails and comments. I had a chance to read them tonight and appreciate the support...just not up to responding. Andrea, your offer means so much to me. I feel like I've fallen through the rabbit hole. Could you please email me with any information/opinion you think will be helpful? Thanks so much. I'm heading off to bed. As I keep hearing, I need to take care of myself so I can take care of my family.

2007-09-19T01:44:00.000-05:00

***CAUTION: The following is a pitiful rant. Feel free to just skip this one.***

Mamacita always says I'm a perpetual optimist...no matter how much crud life throws at me, I plow on, laughing through the tears, looking for the bright side, keeping hope alive. That always filled me with a secret sense of pride. I. AM. TOUGH.

Those stress charts that gauge how much life events affect a person? In the last ten years, three different doctors have told me I've had a decade of scoring in the high to dangerous range. Did I let that get me down? Hell, no! Keep on keepin' on...and smile, goddamnit!!! There's always someone worse off than me so suck it up, buttercup.

And I've tried. When my life was shattered and I had to start anew at 29, I did. Three kids counting on me, dontcha know? Three amazing treasures, so I got down to the business of regrouping and rebuilding. No matter what was thrown at me...and there was some seriously nasty shit...I kept trying. When I lost my dad I was devestated. Too young, not fair!! But I kept trying. Every time I came close to losing my mom, I kept trying. When I caught a freak virus that permanently damaged my heart at 32, I was seriously challenged in the optimism department. But hey, I was fucking lucky to survive, so I kept trying. Clinical depression and PTSD? Wasn't going to let that conquer me. Did the therapy, take the medication, and live with it. Accept what the doctors say...the periods of extreme stress take a toll, both physically and mentally. Keep trying.

Then came 2007. Mamacita's heart attack. Manimal's dad a few days later. We're still raw and grieving, trying to recover from the early part of the year. The business fiasco. Yeah, we spent a ginormous amount of money on Lawyerman and ended up saving our company. Damage control. Regroup. Think that doesn't cause stress in the home? Hah ha ha. At least we won. Why wouldn't I keep trying to be optimistic and cheery? Nothing but good times ahead, right?

In the past few weeks, I learned my brother's wife has cancer. My father's first wife, who is my half-sibing's mom, has been battling breast cancer. A friend was diagnosed with a treatable but nasty, debilitating, incurable disease. Another friend received news he's terminal. I'm scared and heartbroken for all of them. My half-sister on my mom's side tried to kill herself. I know she didn't exactly check the date first, but it was a double whammy to me that her attempt was on the anniversary of my dad's death. The date played no part in her reason...I doubt she even knew. I hope she's finally accepted that she's bi-polar and stays on the goddamn medication. I don't think I could watch her do that to her kids again. Oh, and I tried to follow my conscience in an ugly little matter amongst friends and probably made it all worse. The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.

I'm starting to think I'm radio-active.

Tonight, I just wish someone would call off whatever gods I pissed off in my former life. I'm done. I get it, okay? I'm not tough. I'm absolutely fucking broken.

Since we all had a nasty bug a few weeks ago, Manimal's been sick. He just couldn't seem to shake it and went through two bouts of antibiotics. He's been to our GP twice and had one emergency room trip last week. God bless the joke that is our health-care system. But hey, it's free, right?

Saturday night, he was in such horrific abdominal pain and had been vomiting so violently, I took him to the hospital. I can't even begin to describe how fucking scary it was to see him like that. As much as I tease him that I have a higher pain-tolerance than he does, it was like nothing I've ever seen him go through before. I had to dress him. Half-carried him to the car. He lay in the back seat, moaning in agony while I raced to emerg. Looking back, I haven't got a clue why I didn't call an ambulance. Maybe if I had, he'd have gotten better care.

As it was, the moronic male triage nurse, whom I WILL get fired, was absolutely ignorant. Lawyerman will be getting another visit from me very soon because I'm going to sue the hopsital for negligence. Manimal begged repeatedly to lie down while answering questions, and was refused. You want to cry? Try listening to your mate, doubled over and clutching his stomach say, "Please, sir, I can't sit like this. I need to lie down. I'm in terrible pain." Go ahead and try to remain calm and non-combative when the insensitve, negligent prick taking vitals has the goddamn nerve to scold, "Yes, well you're an adult, so you'll have to wait while we take care of a few things. I have to figure out where we're going to put you." Imagine if you will, it's four am. There is one person in the waiting room. Not triaged patients. Simply a man waiting for someone who is being treated. Clearly the emergency room was too fucking busy and overwhelmed to let him lay on a gurney while I made sure the fucking hospital would get paid. God knows, they probably didn't have his health card number or DND information on file from his visit the week before! Nope, the nurse directs Manimal to the waiting room until I've gotten him registered. Except, the admissions clerk is on coffee break. So for 15 minutes, while I told myself it wouldn't do any good and could cause serious harm if I went postal, Manimal lay on the tile floor in the waiting room in the fetal position.

Six hours later, he'd had bloodwork, x-rays and a shot of Demerol. They sent him home with a prescription for anti-biotics and Tylenol 3. "Probably an infection in the intestines and the bowell went into spasms. You should be feeling better in a few days. If the pain worsens, come back. Otherwise follow up with your GP in a week."

I've barely slept in days. Constantly checking on him, hoping he would get better as he slept, feeling totally helpless as I tried anything I could think of to make him more comfortable. He was only allowed clear fluids and I kept pushing them so he wouldn't get dehydrated. I think he wanted to throw a few glasses of ginger ale in my face. Tried to amuse myself trying to get a computer virus off my laptop. Goddamn you too, Messyenger!! By Monday afternoon I started getting really scared. He was still in terrible pain in spite of the meds, nauseous, short of breath and so damn weak he had to take a break when walking from the bed to the bathroom. By the time he'd get back to bed, he was too weak to cover himself up with the blankets. I wanted to take him back in. He wanted to give it a little more time. Can't imagine why he didn't want to go back to the happy place. Monday night he complained he was really cold, but didn't have a fever. He thought maybe a warm bath would help. That completely drained him and he was shaking by the time he got back into bed. In the night, he threw up again and finally agreed I could take him back in after he'd slept for a bit. I checked on him every hour and wouldn't ya know it? He slept pretty good, so I think he was hoping the worst was over. Tuesday morning when I took his temperature, he had a fever.

This time, the emergency room wait was six hours before they finally took him in, so no, the care wasn't any better. But they sure hustled when they got his x-rays this time. An hour later, he was being rushed by ambulance to the hospital the next town over for emergency surgery. When they took him into the OR, the only information I had was that something had ruptured on Saturday night. Best case scenario: a stomach ulcer. Worst: some part of the digestive tract. If it was the digestive tract, he was being poisoned from within. Because the surgeon didn't know what it was, and didn't have the luxury of time to find out, they had to cut him from sternum to pubic bone.

I'm normally really cool in crisis. Not this time. Thank Christ and every other deity that Mamacita and SupahStah were there, because I totally fell apart. Couldn't stop crying. One thought kept racing through my head. I'm not going to be able to live with myself if he dies because I didn't throw a major hissy fit while he lay on that fucking tile floor Saturday night.

He came through surgery and will be in hospital for about a week. I haven't got a clue how long his recovery will be. His colon was ruptured. He was being poisoned because of fucking negligence. And my inaction. Everything inside was so inflamed, he now has a colestemy bag for the next three to six months. The surgeon says after that, he'll have another operation to remove it, re-attach the colon and make everything as it should be. In his morphine haze, Manimal knows what this means, but I dread how devestated he's going to be when the drugs wear off.

41 fucking years old. Because of negligence. With a stunned, guilty, pissed-off wife who is fed up with trying to look on the bright side. I just want to be left alone to cry.

Navy Numa Numa

2007-09-12T10:40:00.001-05:00

The bald guy smackin' his ass...damn, I want him!!! ROTFLMAO. I better find something productive to do.

Royal Navy does Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody

2007-09-12T10:35:00.001-05:00

Clearly, these people spend too much time at sea...and I spend too much time on the 'net : )

Navy Carrier Squadron's "Move Along"

2007-09-12T10:09:00.001-05:00

I'm so bored today, I'm gonna post a bunch of these vids...they call themselves "Spunk Productions" lol.

Navy Carrier Squadron's "Pump It"

2007-09-12T10:06:00.001-05:00

Found this on - sry's website.

2007-09-12T00:23:00.000-05:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

2007-09-10T22:37:00.000-05:00

My cuz Chris posted some pix on her Facebook. Photos from the past mean so much to me. I lost a lot of mine, along with all my homevideos, during the scorched earth shipwreck that was my ~~escape~~ ~~divorce~~ escape!

So, a HUGE TY to her for sharing these...love ya MUCH! : )

My maternal great-great Grandparents.

Heheh...lookit' how proud Mamacita was, presenting my Daddy with little Moi, the egghead. Personally, I think it's a miracle her arms worked after teasing that hair...and c'mon...how hot were his Buddy Holly specs??? :D

Me and my little sailor girl, Sweet Pea, Father's Day '91. My dad had the greatest back yard!*sigh* She loved to sit with me like that...if I close my eyes, I can remember it exactly : )

I'm not sure what happened to my face in this pic...either Chris photoshopped to improve it, or I was turning very fast to say something smartass...odds are, it could go either way! Heheh.

***COUGAR ALERT***

Tango and Sin, yes, this means YOU!! I know how the beefcake shots of SupahStah get you two all riled up, so proceed with caution, okay? I don't want anyone getting hurt out there!!! : D

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He's perfected that grin...and it still gets me every time : )

2007-09-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of writing, but most of it won't end up here. That writing is for me, to work through my feelings, and it's a jumble of emotions. Last weekend, my sister tried to commit suicide. She's in the hospital, hopefully getting the help she needs. As I've been told, she was serious...as a heart attack...she wanted to die. She's angry she didn't.

Now we try to make sense of it all. When I'll feel like blogging again...I'm just not sure.

2007-09-07T17:49:00.000-05:00

If we're so lucky, why do we feel shattered?
Faith in the foundation of our lives,
the love and trust that binds us together...cracked.
Whatever the good or bad, a team should stick together.
Now we wonder how she could want to leave us.

If we're so grateful, why do we feel so angry?
A miracle spared us from losing her,
but realization slowly creeps in.
When she lost herself, she chose to act alone.
Shut out, we're only allowed to pick up the broken pieces.

If we miss her, why do we dread her release?
We rest easier knowing, for now, she is safe,
stripped of the ability to make another choice.
We wonder how we'll ever learn to trust again.
Anxious and afraid, we'll have to let go, relying on hope.

Does she realize nothing will ever be the same again?
A family is crushed, struggling to accept the cold truth.
Rather than turn to us, she chose to crawl off,
like a wounded animal, to die alone in the woods.

This life-altering event happened to us, too.

~ R.J.K.

SNEAK ATTACK

2007-08-31T13:45:00.001-05:00

Viral warfare erupted in our humble abode last weekend. Yuck. The family usually isn't felled until a few weeks after the kiddies return to those petri dishes disguised as institutions of education.

Okay, okay, I know we'll live.

But right now, I'm struggling to remember a time my head wasn't milliseconds from imploding...when I wasn't struggling to keep my intestines where God originally intended. Exhaustion has developed a whole new definition. I must be getting better, though, because daylight is no longer a piercing weapon upon my rattled brain, and the slightest noises have stopped their deafening, painful roars.

I'd love to whine more, but Roxy is walking around the living room with the leash in her mouth. In dogspeak, I think that means "Enough bullshit. You've ignored my needs. It will end now!"

SAPPY MUSIC & SLOPPY DRUNK

2007-08-23T22:04:00.000-05:00

So what the hell? Why not just offend everyone? Yeah. That's what I thought too.

A Newfie writes to her son...

Dearest Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby fell into a screech vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favourite Aunt,
Mom

** BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK **

Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago,
there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.

The End

SMIRNOFF AD

2007-08-23T20:53:00.001-05:00

ONLY ON A ROAD TRIP

2007-08-21T20:06:00.001-05:00

I'm not terribly fond of flying, but I love to drive...so given the chance, I'll take a road-trip any day. Aside from avoiding airplanes, one reason is all the great and funny things you see on the road. On the return trip from VAB, we stopped for gas at a little station just off the Interstate. I stopped the car and a blond guy sporting dreadlocks approached. He had his own soundtrack...the beat of music blaring from the service building. I immediately noticed this sign on the door:

All directions are $1.00 each.

On all my travels, I have never seen a sign like that. Ever. I'm sure it gets to be a real pain in the ass to give lost tourists directions, but I've always found the friendly approach gets plenty of help. As I pondered it, Unstoppable asked Jimi where the restrooms were.

"Gettin' gas?" he mumbled. I think conversation wearies him.

"Yes, please" I jumped in. "Fill it up."

He pointed around the corner. "You can use it, but there's no toilet paper." He turned his back on her and began to pump the gas.

"No paper." She laughed her friendly little laugh. "Ever?"

The most unamused expression I've ever seen accompanied the sharing of this great injustice... "I put it out, people steal it."

Hmmm. The pump was on automatic and our server headed back to join his girlfriend who was rockin' out in the glass-fronted building. I gave my sister the HURRY the phuck up look, and willed the pump to pump faster...I wasn't scared, but trying not to crack up. As I stood leaning against my car, Jimi's girlfriend gave him a lapdance that *lucky me* could watch right through the plate glass window. Whoohoo! Just imagine. If I'd taken a plane, I wouldn't be able to say I've been to a gas station that won't provide toilet paper, charges for directions...but puts on a wicked ass lapdance show for FREE!!

No doubt about it, Jimi. I'm sure people all over northern Pennsylvania are lying in wait, ready to risk it all, just to steal toilet paper you've touched!!

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW SOMEONE UNTIL...

2007-08-21T19:54:00.000-05:00

Heh. I guess one week is the line drawn in the sand. On the little weekend Ops, I was able to hide this aspect of my personality, but after VAB...I think no more.

The XO sent an email....this reminds her of me : D

Imagine if I hadn't had comfy accomodations? I shudder to think about the horrors that could have occured. The 2 bedroom condo two queen beds, one California king, and a sleeper sofa in the living room. Unstoppable and I shared the gargantuan king, The Cmdr and Tango each had a queen. And the XO??? Rather than fight to the death for bedroom privledges, OR at the very least, claim the sofa as her domain...she made a nest in our closet. Okay, it was a freakin' huge closet, but still. She paid as much as we did for the condo. Would she agree to swap out with anyone? Nope. She liked her nest. Honest to gawd, the woman sleep absolutely anywhere.

A FEW VAB DEETS

2007-08-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

Getting all the pix from Virginia Beach organized is proving to be quite the exercise! Beebles had to be at work at 7 am on Sunday morning (cruel & unusal punishment...good thing I like to drive at night and she can sleep in the car!) She left her camera with me to download her pix. Normally, I take bazillions of pix, but on this vacay I travelled with my own personal paparazzi, so there was no need. I took a whopping six photos; Beebles took around 300. She gets great shots when you'd least expect it, poingnant or hilarious...but it was getting to the point that we were screeching at her, "IF YOU TAKE ONE MORE DAMN PIC, THE CAMERA DIES!!!" We really need to find her a Picaholic Twelve Step Program, the woman is sick. Bwahahahaaaa. She took plenty of abuse from us ingrates....until a certain photo op. Oh yeah, we all adored ya then, didn't we??? ; )

I certainly hope there aren't any more wonderously flattering stills of me first thing in the morning, in my jammies on the balcony with bedhead and sunglasses, eating bacon while my coffee IV is administered. She should get hazard pay for that one...if I'd have caught her, I would have hurt her bad!

EARLY BIRDS & NIGHTHAWKS

I discovered that I can co-exist with four Early Birds and not rip their feathers out. You know those annoying, chipper morning people? The perky, talkative ones that want to have a frikin' discussion two seconds after your feet hit the floor? What's that all about? I don't go jumping on their beds at 4 am to have a chat, now do I? Better yet, if I did have the audacity, would I DARE to ask if they were going to be cranky all day??? I think not! Heh. I'm surprised the Cmdr. survived the incindery glare that question earned her : D Sunday night I found these jammies on my bed. Ty, XO H&K, you da woman!

GOOD NUTRITION IS IMPORTANT

While the Cmdr. braved the traffic on 64 and returned the E's to BAD in Washington, the XO, Tango, Unstoppable and I braved the perils of the liqour store to procure our basic supplies. Father Bartholomew would be so proud we showed restraint while on our retreat. Thanx to Sister Mary for turning at the door, making the sign of the cross, and telling the staff to go with Christ. I feel we touched them deeply. I'm certain they hope we and the other Sisters will return on our next retreat.

In case you can't make out the labels Tango added to our fridge contents, the "Meat" is the Cabana Boy Spiced Vanilla Rum. Yum. Woman cannot live on home brewed alone, so we sampled some of the local refreshments. Lest we appear too girly after our fruity umbrella drinks, the Cmdr. hefted a Coors while the rest of us enoyed Rum Runners with rum floaters. Simply divine, dahling. I mean...arggh, good booze!

OBSERVATION & CONTINUING SELF-ASSESSMENT

We had a loverly view of the boardwalk from our balcony, and especially enjoyed all the healthy people out for their daily exercise...

The Cmdr. and I were enjoying a quiet smoke as we reflected on our time in VAB thus far. In silence, we watched one particularly fine specimen as his ~~glistening muscles strained~~ jog took him past our view. At the exact same time, we turned to each other and grinned..."We're such pigs!"

One morning I did get up early to hit the beach with Beebles aka Unstoppable...and what a morning I picked! This would be the photo op that redeemed her habit in everyone's eyes. I was resting the back of my eyelids and she was reading. She happened to glance up to see eight healthy young men, carrying fins and masks, walking into the water right in front of us. After nudging me and saying, "Oh, looky here. No, really, LOOK!!!" she reached into her bag and grabbed her camera. I texted the Cmdr. to get their butts out to the balcony STAT!! They spent too much time tripping over themselves and missed the real life view...but the bitching about Unstoppable's camera habit stopped when they saw these pix : D

We have it on good authority that these are not SEALs, but EOD guys. Not SEALs??? Oh, blech!!! Yuck, yuck, yuck! My poor eyes!!! Get those men away from me!!! Bwahahaha...*snort* yeah, sure!

A WHOLE NEW RESPECT

Swimming in the ocean...nothing like swimming in a lake or pool. I'm not an ocean novice. I've done it before. Intellectually, I know this is different. However, when one is frolicking like a carefree child, one tends to forget certain things...

Like...just because you think you're steps from the shore, doesn't mean you are out of the water.

Like...how a wave can knock you on your ass without warning.

Like...how the tow will pull you back before you've regained your footing, dragging said ass along the sand, as you wonder how you'll explain the scratches to your man.

Like...how another wave will slam you from behind, knocking you to your knees and sending a two-piece bathing suit in dangerously different directions.

Like...how hard it is to make sure all your bits are covered while not drowning in the saltwater that's been shot into your sinuses and lungs.

Like...how stupid it is to continue laughing while experiencing these things simultaneously.

Like...how humiliating it is to realize people standing on shore are probably thinking, "Lady, are you retarded? For kerist's sake, JUST. STAND. UP."

Most importantly, one tends to forget how your own sister will be faced with this dilema: Jump into the water to assist your sibling, a human born of the same womb as you, OR grab your camera and laugh your ass off while making sure there's photographic evidence.

Of the six pix she took after Sophieing Up, this is the one I look least retarded in. You may notice the child sharing the dangerously deep waters with me...atleast she didn't laugh at me until after I walked away!

I think Froggie had enough of Virginia Beach, he literally fell over like this when I pulled out of the hotel. No stamina, I tell ya! We haven't had enough, so Beebles and I are taking the collective fam next summer for a week and then staying an extra four days of girlie time.

Hopefully, I'll get some more pix up soon and I will share some stories. I had a wonderful time, ladies!! Love ya all, mean it : )

FAMILY MEANS THERE'S ALWAYS EVIDENCE

2007-08-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

My cousin Chris sent me some old photos that just cracked me up (TY!!) Beebles & I sharing our birthday cake. Apparently, despite living in Toronto, we yearned to be country gals...plaid, overalls and sweater vests....man, we SO rocked!! : D

BACK FROM VACAY

2007-08-12T14:42:00.000-05:00

Virginia Beach...t'was rovverryyyy...fanphuckingtastic...oh, Mama like ; )

Got home at 3 am, loved up the family and tried to catch a few hours sleep. Now the drudgery of unpacking and laundry...but, ohhhh, I had such a great time I can't even muster up a teeny, tiny whine. Parasailing was stupendous, seafood was divine; shared laughter with friends was mahvelous, and I didn't meet a drink I didn't like. Lots more to share, including some pix, but reality calls so I gotta bounce.

SO BEHIND ON EVERYTHING

2007-07-27T17:56:00.000-05:00

Email, blogging, laundry...the To-Do List has become a panic-inducing stack!

Breathe. Calm Blue Ocean. Got it

Quickly....having Supah Stah home is beyond wonderful! I'd forgotten how amazing and comforting it is to have that final thought before drifting to sleep..."I can rest easy. All my chickens are safe in their beds under my roof." Sigh.

His plans are still up in the air, but last night he promised he'd still be here when I get home from VAB. Mama's doing the happy Snoopy Dance : )

Sweet Pea is one day away from successfully completing her two-course summer school "punishment." Hey, some kids have to learn the hard way that slacking will bite them in the ass...I'm sooo glad the whining about "losing the whole month of July!!!" is almost at an end ; )

Yesterday afternoon I exchanged my Canadian money for the VAB trip. Manimal had asked what the rush was...he highly doubted the exhange rate would drop rapidly before I left. I told him I wasn't a big gambler. Paid $1067.50 per $1000 USD. And guess what happened today? Hehee. He actually said, "You were right. Good thing you didn't listen to me." : o)

These glorious things don't happen every damn day, and for sure won't last forever, so I'm gonna enjoy them while they do!!! Have a great weekend : )

Spiders On Drugs

2007-07-26T16:59:00.001-05:00

Flashback to those stupid movies in school : )

GOT ME GOOD

2007-07-25T00:13:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday SupahStah had called me several times and we kept playing phone tag, narrowly missing each other. I tried again around 9pm our time. Tink answered the phone. I mentioned he'd called a couple of times and asked if he was alright (the Mama-worry gene hard at work.)

She replied, "He's okay...considering."

My heart positively lurched. Deep breath. I choked out, "Considering what???"

She proceeded to tell me he could no longer get the time off work to come home, and knowing how much I was looking forward to it...well, he was pretty disappointed all-around. He got on the line and told me his boss had asked him to stay another few weeks; they were in a bind with scheduling problems and summer holidays.

I admit it. What I heard in my head was, "...boss is an incompetant jerk...my kid can't come home...will try for August...not fair, not fair, not fair!!! oh, snap out of it you selfish woman...don't wanna be a grown-up, want to hug my kid now...he's being adult about it...be proud he won't leave work in a lurch...that shows real responsibility...don't let him hear how disappointed you are...oh, piss off I need to cry..."

Needless to say, I didn't do a very good job hiding it from him. He said he, "...heard the waver." But, I did TRY!!!! Obviously need more practice, but I TRY not to be a whiny, pain in the ass.

To speed this story along, allow me to say that, after a few third party phone messages and emails over the weekend, I was under the impression he'd raised a stink at work and was coming home on Friday. Yes, I was disappointed I wouldn't see much of him before I leave for VAB, but when the option was not seeing him at all until mid-August...I didn't complain again, but I figured it would be a long week. Tonight I had one of those piercing, my-eyeballs-must've-been-poked-with-spears kinda headaches, and asked Manimal to wait up for Sweet Pea because I needed dark, quiet, sleep. Half-asleep, I drifted in that semi-conscious state, half-hearing a car door slam, then talking outside my door before it slowly opened. A weight settled on my bed behind me and I thought, "Ah, good. Sweet Pea's home safe, come to say goodnight."

As I felt her hand on my shoulder, her deep voice rumbled, "Mom?"

Huh? Familiar, yet unfamiliar. Her deep voice? In that split second, neurons firing and synapses popping...you could've heard my brain crackling in the dark as it tried to make sense of it. I sort of squealed when I realized...there in front of me, not a dream...my boy!

Thinking he'd startled me in my sleep, he said calmly, "It's okay, Mom. It's me."

As I pounced to hug him, I yelled "EEEEYYYYYEEEEE KNOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!" : )

Standing there laughing at me were Sweet Pea, Sugah Pie and Elvis, who'd picked him up at the airport and drove him home. To surprise me.

It was the plan all along and the whole family knew at some point over the last two weeks. Nobody can ever pull suprises off on me...I'm too damn nosy and suspicious, and with alarming regularity, I discover secrets without meaning to. But this time, they got me good.

Thanx for the best surprise ever : )

EXACTLY WHERE I'M MEANT TO BE

2007-07-22T02:12:00.000-05:00

I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, even when it's not a nice thing, or we're not sure what the reason could possibly be. Perhaps the biggest part of my spirituality is my faith that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. Even the truly crappy parts of my life have garned good...whether it's people I was meant to meet and wouldn't have if I'd traveled a different path, or lessons I needed to learn, no matter how painful. It doesn't always make sense to me, but I believe keeping that faith has served me well in life.

My niece describes her religious beliefs as, "Do good. You'll be fine." One friend referred to a karma-circle. I've always tried to live my life treating people the way I'd like to be treated --"Do unto others..."

The past year brought lots of changes to my life. Some really difficult changes. But I'm okay. Actually, better than okay. I recently told Mamacita that I'm finding a new sort of happiness by quietly listening to where I'm being guided and trusting my instinct. Heh. That sound woowoo enough for ya? Relax. I'm not hearing voices yet ; )

One of the changes I'm grateful for is finding new friendships with some truly remarkable women. It would be easy to say I stumbled into it, meeting on an author's bulletin board, but in my heart I believe it was just meant to be this way. I'm grateful for their friendship and support; the laughter, knowledge, and experience they share. It amazes me how important they have become in my life, and I know I'm a better person for having met them.

It seems the Cmdr. has been having similar thoughts, and I stole this from her blog. She called it a "Hit 'em in the Head with a Fish" moment. (Who in the hell thinks of stuff like that? Hahaha...apparently there's quite a few of us : )

...But I had a HIFWAF (my acronym, I can take out the "t" if I want:) moment when I read what Sig had said in reply to (blog post) "my lack of ability to simper"....

CMDR: "If I give you a compliment or say something positive...I MEAN IT....If I tell ya I love you...I do...and I'd go to the wall for ya....the thing is....I expect the same back.....whew dawgies.....sometimes I think I should probably lower the bar..."

SIG: "Lower the bar - are you crazy, woman? Keep that bar right where it is (no, no, not the one on the corner that serves beer...) Seems to me that you have gathered round yourself a rather exceptional bunch. So, the high bar strategy works."

CMDR:

1) A lot of people THINK I'm crazy, does that count? Sure! Did you want a whoopie cushion or the dog-poop keychain?

2)..(.fond memory moment)...I have this bar, where everybody knows my name...and SHOUTS it quite frequently:) (shameless plug DA BOYS ) ...it serves beer AND I dance on it to Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk.....aaaaaahhhhh life is good!

And here comes the HIFWAF...

Sig is absofreakinlutely CORRECT....I have "gathered round yourself a rather exceptional bunch"......and I TRULY realize how unique we all are.....seperately we are a group of AWESOME women.....but TOGETHER....why, I've never seen the like:).....want something "undo-able" done? ask us we WILL ...want to laugh your butt off.....come sit by us....( and I REALLY think for us to be this funny with consistancy....we have got to be BRILLIANT....not so smart people aren't this funny and they laugh AT you.....We will laugh WITH you Umm...we do laugh at some people, but only in the most clever way : )) we can turn MOST anything into a party....."oh look, there's some road kill out front, LET'S throw a party" or "oh look there seems to be a hurricane in FL....that's so sad, let's throw a party"....."CMDR has a new hot water tank (applause, applause, applause)" Applause, applause, applause : ) let's throw Sin a b-day party......we sure do like our parties....BECAUSE.....it means we are all with in hugging distance once again....and THAT is the best feeling in the world.

You want loyalty?......mrah ah ha ahhh ahh You AIN'T seen nuttin' till you've seen someone who is not "family" go after one of us...R&R makes a grizzly bear seem tame....and as GBG says....."OH NO, You CAN'T pick on my family....only WE get to do that".....and isn't THAT the truth?....talk about a team.....boy HOWDY, I would pick this group of ladies ANY day, ANY time, ANY place.....not just to get my six....but sometimes my 12....and most frequently.....someone riding my 3 and 9.....never alone, never not at least one of them you can reach out to...and the amazing thing.....is if you reach out to the first one....the rest pile on....sorry boys, false alarm, she means in a totally non-lesbian way....NOW THAT'S LOVE MAN:)

As the side bar on my blog says....."love is......my decision to make your problem my concern"....there has NEVER been a time when these women have not stood right where I needed them and given me support, love, laughter, a shoulder to cry on, a hand up on to the bar, been proud of me for going good, slapped me when I was wondering off course, helped me pick up the pieces AND super-glue them back together.....as R&R says "We'se Wimmen, We'se Understand."

She said it for me, and ladies, I couldn't agree more.

Soundtrack - Tina Turner "Simply The Best"
LY'AMI : )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MS. SINFUL!!

2007-07-19T16:36:00.000-05:00

I just cannot believe I was late with your birthday eye candy...what a horrid friend I am! *smacks hand* #*&^%$@! Sorry, my hand was still on the keyboard ; ) Hope you're having a simply, sinfully spectacular day. Cheers for a superb year, sistah!!

Love You. Mean It.

12 VALID REASONS NOT TO COME IN TO WORK

2007-07-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

ARKANSAS TEEHEES

2007-07-18T17:25:00.000-05:00

Thanx to Jan for these! : D

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

***

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

***

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas........ Documentaries.

***

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

***

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

***

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

***

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania "

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

LOST HIGHWAY

2007-07-18T17:12:00.000-05:00

LOVE IT! Used it on the BFPD and VAB soundtracks, so if you're expecting mail from me, you'll get a taste : ) If not, get off yer butt and buy it : )

Some may be skeptical because it's been described as, "Bon Jovi Gone Country," but the boys can still put out. Maybe it's because I like a lot of the new country that melds with a rock feel (or maybe it's just because I grew up with them) but I get the happies listening to this one, so it was well worth my eighteen bucks.

"We Got It Goin' On" with Big & Rich is a good, upbeat party tune, and the more I listen to it, the more "Make a Memory" gives me chills. The duet with LeAnn Rimes, "'Til We Ain't Strangers Anymore" will strike a deep chord for anyone who's had the desire to set straight a relationship that's grown apart.

THANX...I THINK

2007-07-18T01:53:00.000-05:00

Just read this on SupahStah's interview on his Facebook. Cracked me up. Is there any question he's mine?

Q: WHO DO YOU ADMIRE MOST?

A: My parents. Raising me musta been harder than taking a painful shit.

STRONGLY RECOMMEND

2007-07-17T15:39:00.000-05:00

"On a clear night in late June 2005, four U.S. Navy SEALs left their base in northern Afghanistan for the mountainous Pakistani border. Their mission was to capture or kill a notorious al Qaeda leader known to be ensconced in a Taliban stronghold surrounded by a small but heavily armed force. Less than twenty-four hours later, only one of those Navy SEALs remained alive.

This is the story of team leader Marcus Luttrell, the sole survivior of Operation Redwing, and the desperate battle in the mountains that led, ultimately, to the largest loss of life in Navy SEAL history. But it is a also, more than anything, the story of his teammates, who fought ferociously beside him until he was the last one left -- blasted unconscious by a rocket grenade, blown over a cliff, but still armed and still breathing. Over the next four days, badly injured and presumed dead, Luttrell fought off six al Qaeda assassins who were sent to finish him, then crawled for seven miles through the mountains before he was taken in by a Pashtun tribe, who risked everything to protect him from the encircling Taliban killers.

A six-foot-five-inch Texan, Leading Petty Officer Luttrell takes us, blow-by-blow, through the brutal training of America's warrior elite and the relentless rites of passage required by the Navy SEALs. He transports us to a monstrous battle fought on the desolate peaks of Afghanistan, where the beleagured American team plummeted head-long a thousand feet down a mountain as they fought back through flying shale and rocks. In this rich, moving chronicle of courage, honor, and patriotism, Marcus Luttrell delivers one of the most powerful narratives ever written about modern warfare -- and a tribute to his teammates, who made the ultimate sacrifice for their county."

I bought "Lone Survivor" Sunday night and finished Monday night. WOW!!! I cried through the Prologue, got myself under control...then started crying in Chapter 6 and pretty much didn't stop. Humbling and awe-inspiring don't begin to describe it.

What a tremendous, heartbreaking burden this young man will carry with him for the rest of his life. As a reader, I wanted to reach through the pages, hug him, and somehow convince him he was meant to survive and did an exemplary job of honouring his brother's memories by sharing this story.

Excellent read, regardless of your politics.

A+

DON'T TELL ME...SHOW ME

2007-07-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows there are times when you look at the other person and think, "Who the hell are you and why am I with you?"

I admit it. I've had many of those moments over the last few years. Honestly, with all the stress we've lived with, I expect I've had more of those moments than most people. Then again, maybe I'm just a totally impossible to satisfy, ungrateful bitch.

One thing I know about myself, though, I call 'em like I see 'em. This is one of those times Manimal did one of those unexpectedly kind things that steal my breath and make me think, "Ahh, yes, now I remember what a wonderfully special person you are and how lucky I am to share my life with you!"

Sugah Pie and I were away for the weekend and Sunday morning, Manimal was awoken by a neighbour alerting him to one of our furbabies on the side of the road. Our little Max, who wasn't afraid of cars, because I stupidly trained him not to be.

In our defence...we live in the country, trying to keep seven animals who are determined to escape indoors is almost impossible, and our road is one where nobody should be driving fast enough to hit an animal. But it happens. And I feel like shit about it, so let's not talk about the guilt of knowing if we kept our cats inside, this wouldn't have happened. I've already berated myself to tears and have the unenviable task of helping a child-woman deal with grief over losing her best friend.

Naturally, the kitty we lost was Sugah Pie's special buddy....she called him her son. When I brought him home, I left him sleeping on her bed to wait for her to come home from school. When she went to the corner store, he followed her, waited outside and then followed her home like a dog. He slept in her room, on a special fuzzy blanket, and they had a bedtime routine. Every night, he drank two caps of water from her water bottle before they schmoozed; she petted, he purred. Then he snuggled into his blanket and they slept.

Manimal knew that I, the consumate crazy cat lady, would be terribly sad, but Sugah Pie was about to be devastated. When he texted me to call home asap, I panicked at the thought of my new driver, Sweet Pea, and imagined all sorts of horrible scenarios. My first words were, "What's wrong????" He told me to calm down, everyone else was alright, but Max had passed away. I foolishly blurted out, "He got hit, didn't he?" Sugah Pie's face just fell. *smack in the head* Way to go, Mom. Just a great job breaking it to her gently, you dork.

I have to give her a ton of credit. What a tough age, stuck between wanting to sob like a child and expecting yourself to behave grown-up like woman. We were with friends she'd just met and she didn't want to carry on in front of them. (Btw, TY for the quick privacy, B!) After a few tears, she sucked it up and we carried on with breakfast, but I had a feeling she'd let it out on the ride home. And boy, she did ever. It just broke my heart when she wailed she wanted to see Max one last time. I called Manimal to ask if she could, knowing he would understand what I was really asking. It must have been instant, because he didn't even look like he'd been hit. Manimal initially thought he was sleeping while sunning himself. Thank gawd for small miracles.

So here comes the part that stole my breath with it's absolute, heartbreaking kindness and compassion...knowing Sugah Pie would be devastated, Manimal did his best to ease her pain, by treating her friend Max with the same dignity one would expect for a human being.

He put him in a small wooden box draped in a sheet, used the end of the sheet to cover the open top, and laid a tiger lily from my garden on top. My eyes teared up when I saw it...but when I pulled the sheet back, I bawled like a baby. There was our little buddy, lying on his side like he was sleeping, and he was circled with lillies.

And I fell in love all over again with the man who cares enough to do something so utterly simple, yet so basically sweet and important for our little girl. A gesture that other men might scoff at or never even think of. It speaks volumes to me about his love for us.

R.I.P. MAX, OUR LITTLE FRIEND

2007-07-15T22:10:00.001-05:00

CAT HEAVEN

The way to Cat Heaven
is a field of sweet grass
where crickets and butterflies play.

A cat may be late in getting to Heaven . . .
there's so much fun on the way!
But an angel will wait at the yellow front door,
wait til a kitty comes home.

And when he arrives,
She'll give him a kiss
and some milk
in a bowl all his own.

There are treesin Cat Heaven,
trees made just for cats,
trees growing so green and so high.

But no one gets stuck in a tree anymore --
if a cat wants down, he will fly!
And oh the toys, kitty toys everywhere,
thousands and thousands go by.

There are buttons and baubles
and small cotton mice --
there is catnip afloat in the sky!

There are angels, of course, with soft angel laps
where kitties can purr loud and strong.
The angels will rub kitties' noses and ears
and sing them a Cat Heaven song.

And when cats are hungry,
there's God's kitchen counter
all covered with white kitty dishes,
full of tuna and salmon and mounds of sardines,
and wonderful little pink fishes.

The cats in Cat Heaven are so loved and spoiled
God lets them all lie on his bed . . .
He walks in His garden with a good black book
and a kitty asleep on His head.

Then when a cat needs,
he may just simply ponder
and watch the blue world deep and wide . . .

He will watch the old house
where he once lived and wandered,
and the people who loved him inside.

All cats love Heaven,
they know the way there,
they know where the angel cats fly.

They'll run past the stars and the moon
and the sun . . .
to curl up with God in the sky.
~ Cynthia Rylant

SPONTANEOUS BRILLIANCE

2007-07-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

On the spur of the moment yesterday, Sugah Pie & I met a friend for "lunch" halfway between our homes, and ended up spending the night at a hotel. Great fun, many laughs, and the perfect antidote to PHSS. Her 6 year old daughter asked us why we laugh so much.

"Because it makes us feel nice."

EXCELLENT answer!!!

We were planning on calling another friend who lives nearby our meeting spot to join us for brunch today, but I got a sad phone call from home, and we headed out shortly after.The bright side is, we'll do it again soon...whenever the doldrums get to be too much....I can almost hear her screeching when I write: my "half" of the drive only took 2.5 hours - compared to her 4+ Heh, next time I'll cross the border and the hotel should be cheaper, snicker. Hugs, sistah. Thanx for the invite : )

BBC Brigade Training Video

2007-07-12T02:03:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Brigade Procurement and the XO for sharing this training video: How To Put On The Summer Dress Uniform.
: )

SUPAHSTAH's COMING HOME

2007-07-12T01:17:00.000-05:00

My boy is coming home....for a visit.

The girls are sooo excited. I'm trying to focus on the fact that we'll be able to see him, hug him, feed him and laugh with him. I'm trying really hard not to be disappointed he's not coming home for good. *sob*

His flight gets in at midnight on the 24th. He leaves at 7 am on the 29th. That's five little days. I should be grateful that he wants to visit, that he's working hard, that I did a good job raising him and he's managing out in the world just fine. I'm trying really hard not to be disappointed that he couldn't get more time off work. *sob*

He really isn't coming back to stay.

How crazy am I that it still surprises me and makes me cry???

FOLLOW THE SIGNS...

2007-07-12T00:35:00.000-05:00

The Sign...
Sweet Pea's iPod was stolen at work...right around the time my Nano was getting dangerously close to being filled with most of my most favourite tunage.

I Believe I Was Meant To...
Give Sweet Pea my Nano and buy myself a full size, big-girl iPod.

The Result...
Happy Sweet Pea. I, on the other hand, am ECSTATIC!!! 30 GB, baby! For the past three nights I've been transferring music onto what is now my most prized possession, and I've still got oodles of available giggies. Life is good : )

The Un-intentional Discoveries...
1. I have a STUPIDLY huge music collection.
2. I feel incapable of living without any of it.
3. I've reached the age when I enjoy listening to songs I used to think were dork-magnets.

Points to Ponder...
Does this mean I am a dork and finally just too old to give a damn?

: )

The Sign...
I've put 20 000 klicks on Munk since March 27th! For my little American friend, who is oddly mystified by all things Canuck, that's 12, 427.424 miles :o)

I Believe I Was Meant To...
Open my life and share the magic that is Moi with a younger relative of Munk's, before my 40th birthday.

The Result...
We'll have to wait until October to find out...but I really hope this doesn't give Manimal a stroke.

: D

CAT HAIKU

2007-07-10T14:55:00.000-05:00

Thank you, PSM, for posting this on the bb. I loved 'em and totally agree with your statement, "Haiku is the perfect medium for cats. Cryptic and witty." : )

CAT HAIKU

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if
I can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams;
My claws are not that sharp.

I'LL HAVE A BREAST, PLEASE...

2007-07-09T01:17:00.000-05:00

Here's something all women know, but men just don't get: As if fashion wasn't enough of a pain in the ass, summer fashion increases our bra requirements.

Oh, I can just hear the men snickering... "No, really, it doesn't. Forget bras. We don't mind."

Gawd, you PIGS are so predictable.

As I was saying before the boy children got excited about boobies and drooling on their keyboards...in the summer, REAL women require a whole new bevy of bras we can avoid other times of the year. It's not as simple as picking up a strapless, a halter, a sports bra and a racerback. Oh, no! Every woman is now faced with this dilema...what kind of bra does that perfect little top she picked up require? Full-coverage or low-cut? Demi or full-cup? Front clasp, back or one-piece? Sheer or padded? Lace, lycra or cotton? Does she wanna puff the girls up or squish 'em down? AND, since fabrics are more sheer in the summer, we need bras in every colour known to the sick fashionista bastards who hold us hostage.

This is not a joking matter.

A few examples of our choices: white, snow, ecru, beige, brown, nude, blush, peach, orange, tangerine, rose, dusty rose, red, ruby, cherry, burgundy, canary, buttercup, lemon, mint green, forest green, emerald, aqua, turquoise, baby blue, teal blue, sapphire, midnight blue, blue-black, black, charcoal grey, dove grey, silver grey...

Dear gawd, I don't even want to think about patterns. The mind boggles.

Anyone who loves buying lingerie doesn't understand how frustrating a woman such as I finds all these choices. Let's face it...I'm never gonna have a bra for absolutely every occasion. It's futile to try and I HATE shopping for them. I finally broke down the other night. At the checkout in WalMart, I gave in to impulse and bought one of those "self-adhesive bras" marketed to dummies like Moi, desperately trying to end the very expensive Bra-o-rama.

For those who haven't seen it, I will do my best to explain something that you really need to see to understand. The re-usable flesh coloured cups are made from silicone and seperate pieces connect with clear plastic front clasps. The inside is sticky, which becomes...ummm....re-sticky after hand washing with mild soap. Basically, you just slap those suckers on, smooth the edges and clasp it together. You can even create cleavage by placing them farther apart...pull together, clasp, and voila...instant va-va-voom! No worries about straps, colour or fabric....you appear to be a (new and improved) braless babe. How clever! Au naturel lift with cleavage.

Ladies, doesn't it sound grand?

I was terribly excited and raced home. When I opened the package, Sugah Pie grabbed one, her face scrunched up and she dropped it like it was nuclear waste.

"Ewwww," she sputtered. "Gross! It feels like raw chicken."

And won't the boys be excited by a handful of that?
: )

PHSS

2007-07-06T01:27:00.000-05:00

The weekend away was absolutely fantastic and I've been meaning to blog, but for some reason, I just can't get it all into words. I think I'm suffering from PHSS.

For the sake of Damnit Janet, who simply can't stand trying to figure out my acronyms...and while that amuses me to no end, I am Canadian - a kind and gentle people - so I won't toy with her.

Post Hilarity Stress Syndrome
~ The disagreeable physical and emotional aftereffects of participating in a Brigade Op, usually felt within several hours to days after initial debrief.

Physical Symptoms may include, but are not limited to: mild to moderate headache, muscle aches, sore throat, loss of voice, sluggishness, lethargy, fatigue, exhaustion, stomach upset, and general malaise. Withdrawl symptoms may be present.

Emotional Symptoms may include, but are not limited to: mood swings, giddiness, irritability, heightened awarness of humourous memories, sad, blue or "empty mood, restlessness, decreased ability or desire to work, concentrate, sleep, eat, or enjoy once pleasureable activities.

Symptoms appear upon cessation of Operational activities that create a general feeling of well-being, such as consumption of alcohol, smiling and excessive laughter, and tend to escalate as normal duties and responsibilities are resumed. Random flashbacks may cause spontaneous laughter at inappropriate times, leading to a common mis-diagnoses of Tourette's Syndrome or general retardation.

The preferred treatment is to encourage patient to immediately participate in the planning of the next Op. Families and friends should be advised that full support, including assistance with finances, scheduling, and logistics,is essential to patients full recovery.

[Origin: 2007, Robynism; n.]

HOME AGain and...zzzzz

2007-07-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

I'm working on a post about the weekend, but I'm just wiped out...will be done as soon as humanly possible. We had an incredibly awesome time...as if anyone expected less, lol...with good drinks, great friends and tons of laughter. Thank you to the Cmdr for opening her home and being the hostess wit da mostest!!! : )

*waving hi to the ladies on the 9th floor at OGH* Oh, my goodness gracious, have I got stories to tell you!! Don't believe a single word Beebles says about me 'cuz it was all her fault. Honest. =D

THE MOOD STRUCK

2007-06-26T23:06:00.000-05:00

Yanno, I just didn't feel right not posting something humourous. It would have eaten away at me until I was a mere shell of the woman I was. Tragic. Unfortunately (for some) the archives aren't coughing anything up. Yep, Mama's going out to play and the cupboards are bare, so if you get a mild teehee out of it, well that's just dandy. My work is done. I. AM. COMPLETE.

Okay, wait.

That's not even remotely true.

If I was really all that concerned, we both know I'd work a lot harder to make you laugh, right? This is kind of a slacker post...but c'mon, it's not like you have a ton of other stuff to do or ya wouldn't be here, now would ya? THAT'S RIGHT!!! So who do you think you are calling me a slacker, hmmmm?

Heh. Clearly, I'm in training mode for the OP and so must not be held accountable for anything I say, do, or post for the next five days.

SupahStah and I were joking around on Facebook about Borat taking banana hammock to a whole new level...

THE BANANA SLING

Yegawds, you have no idea how funny this is to me right now : )

MORE NEGLECTFUL BLOGGING....

2007-06-26T16:30:00.000-05:00

1) Too friking hot.

2) Too busy burning CDs for the BFPD Soundtrack.

3) Too busy getting ready for another ~~fukitol-it's-me-time~~ OP with the Brigade. Duty calls, dontcha know?

I'm leaving tomorrow night, will spend the night at Beeble's house. She thinks she's coming along for a mini-vaykay. She's really my first Civilian Hostage. Bwahaha.

I shall post if the mood strikes me.

: )

AND I WASN'T EVEN TRYING

2007-06-25T01:21:00.001-05:00

You are 78% Bittch!

I can't believe it! Your almost a full bittch! I know you just sit there and think of ways to be a bittch! How Pathetic is that! You must be awful lonely! Cruelty hurts! Bittch!

How much of a B*tch Are you?
Create MySpace Quizzes

Heheh.

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING...

2007-06-23T19:10:00.000-05:00

I have this friend, who is totally amazing...an absolute treasure deserving of a happily ever after. She's smart, beautiful, witty, kind, adventurous and brave...among many other wonderful things. I admire her a great deal, and am proud and grateful to call her friend.

Her life's not easy, but she keeps pounding away, working her ass off while raising three beautiful children, maintaining an exceptional sense of humour and nurturing friendships...and I suspect nurturing untold numbers of acquaintances. Love of the romantical hero type hasn't been kind to her. Yet, she never rang that bell. She's got high expectations, and so she should!!!

I can't think of many people more deserving of a true partner to share her life with. Someone who proves they are ready to be there for her. To share her highs and lows, joys and sorrows, laugh with her when the times are grand, and cry with her when it sucks fucking bad. A man strong and able...who trusts her enough to count on her, knowing she will stand beside him while life dishes out whatever it may; a hero who will carry her when she needs to be carried.

I think her happily ever after is staring her in the face...actually, I think he's kinda jumping up and down, waving his arms, hinting a blue streak and hoping for the almight GO signal...but, it's complicated. Isn't it always?

Happily ever after doesn't come easily. Sometimes there are stops and new starts. Sometimes we hold ourselves back because we're afraid, distracted, or it doesn't look the way we expected. If this weren't a hypothetical situation....*snicker* I'd hope she reads this post carefully, really absorbs what I've said about her. 'Cuz she's reminding me of an old joke...

As the hurricane approached, police went door to door with evacuation orders. One man refused to leave his home. A man of great faith, he felt safe in his belief that, "The Lord will save me."

When the streets became flooded, he climbed to the second story of his house. A neighbour had an eighteen wheeler truck and urged him to hop aboard to make his escape. But the man turned him away, again vowing, "The Lord will save me."

Still the waters rose and the man climbed to the third story of his house. A rescue boat came by and begged him to get in. Yet again, he refused to leave, firmly stating, "The Lord will save me."

As he stood on the roof, watching the flood rise above his waist, a helicopter hovered above. He sent them away..."The Lord will save me!"

When he got to the Pearly Gates, he asked St. Peter why the Lord didn't save a true believer such as himself.

Shaking his head, St. Peter sighed deeply and said, "He sent you a cop, a truck, a boat and a helicopter. What the heck more did you want Him to do???"

TGIF, REALLY!

2007-06-22T05:43:00.001-05:00

Tink & the kids talked me into trying Facebook. As if I don't waste enough time on the computer....I was up half the night trying to figure it out. If any readers have it, leave me your deets in the comments and I'll add ya...ummm, yep, I'll get right on it once I figure that part out...

While I play fast and loose with monikers on the Report...gawd as my witness, I'm not making this part up...

Motorman and Gem decided their ~~cat~~ son, WonTon, needed a sibling. A little baby ~~cat~~ girl to love. Her name is Sushi.

I tell ya, the whole damn family is loco.

That's it, peeps. I got nothing else. Have a great weekend! : )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, K-BEAR! : )

2007-06-21T00:41:00.000-05:00

I know ya tried to outwit me, leaving this anonymous post a little while back, but I'm too clever for ya!

"...Hey, don't forget MY birthday is coming up very soon. Bulging muscles, leather and tasteful tattoos are always welcome!..."

TA-DA!!! Your wish is my command, K-Bear. You're a wickedly good friend and I wish you the happiest of birthdays!! You asked for leather. This guy's caption is "Don't make me use it!" Recommended answer is, "Um, yeah...go ahead, baby, use it." ; ) Wouldn't it be awesome if everything got bigger with just a little click? *snicker* Don't worry, I'll buy ya a new mouse.

Yikes! I almost forgot the rest of your message! Sorry, my mind wandered. Heheh.

"...this is the Big 45 and I explained "the women live longer so I didn't miss the midlife crisis at 40 because OUR mid life is a 45 thing" so I want phone numbers too...."

Okay, okay. Gawd, it's hard to be your best friend. Do you have any idea how demanding you are? Any concept of what lengths I will go to just to make you happy?!?! I'm off to get this guy's number for ya... *grumble, grumble, I'm such a damn good friend...bwahahahahaha*

Before I go, I can almost hear Trucker bitching. "Wah wah wah, it's all guys. What about the men? Don't we deserve some biker chicks or sumptin'?"

Trucker, dude....of course you do! Haven't I always said turn about is fair play? Of course I have! Unless it serves my purpose to conveniently forget that. Today, however, it works for me. So, here they are....

Now, since it's her birthday, how 'bout you give your biker chick a ride? Swing that wrench, boy! ; )

ENOUGH ALREADY!

2007-06-20T23:39:00.000-05:00

The headline: Paris Hilton refuses to eat - may have to be force-fed.

I can't possibly be the only one thinking...

a) Who the phuck cares?

b) Get a foot long weinie and some whipped cream. It'll come back to her.

COFFEE BREAK

2007-06-19T23:53:00.000-05:00

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

***

An American, a Scotsman and a Canadian are driving in a car when they hit some black ice and have a terrible accident. All three are thrown out of the car and are killed instantly. The next thing they know they are standing outside the gates of Heaven. There is an enormous line-up of people waiting to go through the gates. It is pure chaos: there are dozens of angels trying to keep everyone in line and in order.

One of the three asks an angel what's going on.

The angel tells him that there was a huge flood, a gigantic earthquake, a hurricane, tornadoes, etc. and that now there is a backlog of souls to be processed. "Tell you what, though," says the harried angel. "We want to get rid of all this paperwork, so if you give me $500, I'll send you back to the real world right now."

The American realizes this is a great deal. He whips out his wallet and pays the angel $500 on the spot.

*POOF!* The American is back at the accident scene. He stands up and is perfectly healthy. The cops and paramedics are amazed at this miraculous recovery and ask him what happened. The American relates the story.

One cop scoffs at him. "What about the other two guys?" he asks. "Why are they still dead?"

The last I saw of them," the American says, "The Scotsman was trying to talk the price down and the Canadian was saying 'Shouldn't the government pay for this?'!"

***

Yeah, I know this post has absolutely nothing to do with coffee break, but I was on the phone with Tink and she suggested it.

: )

FOR JANET

2007-06-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

lean·o·ver / Pronunciation Key - [leen-oh-ver] – noun

1. The disagreeable physical aftereffects, such as mild headache, fatigue or stomach disorder, of ingesting too much alceehol, usually felt several hours after cessation of drinking; a leanover inclines towards hangover and the chemical reaction can be changed under the influence of the slightest stimuli, such as overactivity, bright light, or loud noise.

[Origin: 1985–90, Canadianism; n.]

MUSIC and FANGIRLS

2007-06-18T20:55:00.000-05:00

It's good to be a teen in my house...even when you factor in the generation gap and my inablity to take life too seriously. Sweet Pea and her g'friends, Giggles, Squeal and Shriek, attended the Much Music Video Awards. Guess who did all the driving, smack dab in the middle of downtown Toronto?

Oh. What. Fun.

For a female country mouse in her teens, this was BIG. A free event with much music (ya, I know that was a lame snicker, lol.) Last weekend, they got their wristbands, booked off work and secured their chauffeur (I was the winner. Yeah, me! :o ) As the day drew near, she became wound up in a virtual frenzy of teenage excitement and I swear, I tried not to be a smartass....clearly, it didn't work any better than it normally does...

"Our stage is where Avril Lavigne, Billy Talent, Fergie, Maroon 5 and Hilary Duff will be performing!!"

"Ohhhhmiiigawdddd!!!"

"Mooommmm."

"Sorry."

"I sooo wish we would be on the Alexis on Fire side."

"Ohhh, meeee too. I'm pissed."

"Moooommm."

"Sorry."

"Finger Eleven is performing on the roof!"

"I am so glad they changed their name. Rainbow Butt Monkeys was just silly."

"Mooooommmm."

"Sorry. *guffaw* Sort of."

"Belly is gonna be there too!!"

"Nelly?"

"No. With a B. Belly."

"Huh. Too cool for limbs?"

"MOOOOOMMM."

Okaaaay. My opinions on musicians and fangirls were not properly appreciated. In fact, they were met with the, "We are NOT amused" stare. In spite of razzing her, I'm glad she's having a typically normal teenage life, complete with gushing over musicians. I've been there, done that. I want her to have good memories of these years. They go too fast.

I coughed up the $95 in gas and dropped them off in Toronto early in the morning. They had to stand in line for reeeeealy good spots, dontcha know? Ah yes, I remember many enjoyable hours spent waiting in line for festival seating at concerts. No guaranteed vantage point to admire the STARS, but with a little liquid refreshment and some organics...who gave a damn?

I would have spent the day in T.O., but Manimal had a leanover and it didn't seem fair to punish him further. The MMVAs were over at 11 pm, so I came home, took him and Sugah Pie to lunch for Father's Day, and drove back to the city to pick the girls up.

First, I took a nap. Wholy Phuck!!! If that doesn't tell ya I'm OLD, I don't know what would.

Sugah Pie and I watched the red carpet ceremony on TV. Now wait just a minute! Nobody told me Nickleback was going to be there!!! Heh. I'm sure it was on purpose. Sweet Pea didn't want *gawd forbid* me to tag along. She knows Chad Kroeger really does it for me. Fangirls are made, not born, okay??? I taught her well, and I guess you carry a little of it with ya no matter how old ya get. The show started at 9 pm. During Fergie's first song, I saw the four of them, rockin' out with huge smiles, and I knew their wait had been worth it. They had awesome spots right in front of the stage, up close where everyone wants to be. They also got to watch all the rehearsals and took some great pix. Here she is with Dallas Green of Alexis On Fire

I'm not sure which guy this is from Marianas Trench, but that smile on my girl's face makes my world go round.

Now, before you make disparaging remarks about this young man, didn't ya imagine this is how Ozzy's son would've grown up? I know it's what I pictured when I fantasized what our kids would look like. Hehee.

It all started with that Elvis and his pelvis. Scandalous, I tell ya. : )

RIGHT BEATS MIGHT

2007-06-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

The war ain't over, but we won a HUGE battle this week in the business fiasco!!Having the opportunity to put it all in front of a judge and have him side with us...well, it was such a morale boost. Manimal and Motorman have been AWESOME! Lawyerman did good, so we might buy him some shiny new tights. Can't wait 'til it's all done so I can share with you, but next week should be very interesting and *fingers and toesies crossed* end this stupid charade.

FASTING TOO TYPE : P

2007-06-16T23:18:00.000-05:00

CMDR...When I read your comment, I was thinking, "Oh, come onnnnn...."

So I copied it and zipped over to the online dictionary....but I couldn't find it...

So I began to doubt myself....

Which really bugs me....

So I tried again...and still couldn't find it.

SoI was thinkin' "Huh. Gawd as my witness, I thought it was a word!!"

Heh. Turns out it is...my fingers just can't keep up with my brain, lol.

vo·cif·er·ous /voʊˈsɪfərəs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[voh-sif-er-uhs] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. crying out noisily; clamorous.
2. characterized by or uttered with vociferation: a vociferous manner of expression.

[Origin: 1605–15; vocifer(ant) + -ous] —Related forms
vo·cif·er·ous·ly, adverb
vo·cif·er·ous·ness, noun
—Synonyms 1. loud, noisy, vocal, uproarious, boisterous.

: D

COMMENTS on "CHEERS!"

2007-06-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

The Film: The Aristocats

The Scene: Toulouse vs. The Milkman

The Conflict: Villan is putting Toulouse's baby sister Marie, brother Berliose and chere Maman at risk

Puffed up, hopping up and down, vociferoulsy uttering The Sound of Feline Defending Family:

Mrrrrowww!! Mrrrrowww!!! Pphfffftttt!!! Pphffffftttt!! Pphfffftttt!!!

I understand, kitty. The Cougars are after my boy again : D

Oh my dear gawd in sweet heaven, your comments had me ROTFLMAO!!! I'm sure SupahStah's ego got a boost...as if he needed the help ; ) Sin, you nailed it with his shirt...but the thing is, he's so frikin' charming, that he totally gets away with it when he's being cocky.

The funniest thing about this is I can almost hear him..."WHY do all my mother's friends think I'm hot?!?!?"

Alas, ladies, you're not the first to comment on my baby boy *emphasis on* my baby boy!!! Jokes about Cougars (for the un-initiated, Cougars are women over 30 who prey on young men ; ) and Mrs. Robinson (ala the lucky older woman in The Graduate) have been around for a few years...but this is the first time I really paid attention. Eeek.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm GLAD none of my kids got beat with the ugly stick, but holyshamoley....it's not like I did anything to make that happen. Genetics are pretty wild, huh? Most importantly, they have great personalities, sweet souls and a fantastic sense of humour. What's inside is what really counts and I know I had a lot to do with that.

However, as any parent knows, kids begin to show their own personalities early on, and sometimes, parents have nothing to do with it. I knew Supah Stah had an inner confidence and ability to charm when he was four. At one of his first T-ball games, I sat on the sidelines with all the other mommys. He strode up to bat with great purpose and took his stance...glanced over his shoulder at me, gave a little grin, and winked at me.

Every single mommy melted. That moment is burned into my memory.

Among the "ooohs, awwws, & that's sooo cute!" I tried to imagine where the heck he'd gotten the idea. "Uh oh," I thought. "He's a natural born charmer. Lord help us all."

When he was 16, we were watching Sweet Pea at her cadet parade and were a little more dressed up than usual. In that mom-way, I thought he looked pretty sharp in dress pants and an azure blue dress shirt. I recall thinking how grown-up he suddenly appeared. One of my friends saw us across the arena and admits she did a double take and asked her daughter, one of Sweet Pea's friends, "Who is that hottie with Ranger?"

"EWWWWWW....Moooooommmmm....that's Supah Stah!!!"

Heheee...I'm not sure which of us was more traumatized, but I know it wasn't HIM. You'd think at that age, he would have been embarassed. Not my kid. I have no idea where the 16 year old boy got the confidence to start calling her Mrs. Robinson...but he still does. Gawd love her, that happily married, 35+ year old mother of five would actually blush whenever she saw him!!! Her hubby, quite a hottie himself, thought the whole thing was hee-lair-eous.

As the story made it's way around our little community, friends of three more of Sweet Pea's friends commented it easily could have been them because they'd noticed how fine he was turning out....at that point, I think SupahStah started to get a wee bit nervous.

I was tempted to buy him a t-shirt that said, "I love Cougars." Maybe I should? His girlfriend, She Who Has Not Been Named, is three years older, lol.

NOTES TO:

She Who Has Not Been Named: I'm wurkin' on a name for ya. Love ya, sweets!
Sin: I've made a note to self re: do NOT post anything remotely resembling beefcake pix of SupahStah : D
Tango: You may come out of the corner now...but I'm keepin' an eye on you.
Damnit Janet: Yes, I know you were just kidding.
Apple: NO, you cannot have him for your birthday!

: )

CHEERS!

2007-06-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Tink for last weekends pix....I LOVE & MISS you all!!!

A little JD to toast: She Who Is SupahStah's Girlfriend (as yet unnamed on the blog :o) Supah Stah (man, I miss my kid!) and Stealth (home for the weekend.)

STOLEN FROM SIN

2007-06-09T19:01:00.000-05:00

Except, wait!! We're SISTAHS, so it's not reeeaaally stealing. I'm just borrowing it ; )

Can anyone guess what the argument between my teenage daughters has been all frikin' day??? They now wear the same sizes, but I haven't decreased the amount of clothing they can get at the sacred place, a.k.a. The Mall. Let me tell ya, these kids have pretty damn nice wardrobes. My last two pairs of running shoes were Sweet Pea's cast offs...yes, they were that friggin' nice. Usually, I don't mind, because I remember what it's like to be a teen and I want them to be dressed nicely. If it were up to Manimal and the thrifty lessons Manimama brought from Holland and taught him...ah, perhaps I won't go there today. Suffice it to say, one of his nicknames is Cheap Dutch Bastard. He admits he's earned it. I think he's secretly proud :o)

But back to the girls...so there they are, shopping in the same pricey stores. Actually, they pick the clothes, shoes and accessories, while I pay...so I guess techincally it's me who's shopping. Anyway, the damn point is, their wardrobes just doubled. Great gawd!!! Any female should realize that's GREAT news, dontcha think?

Hell, if I could sqeeze my ass into their clothes, I'd have it made! TRIPLE wardrobe??? It'd be so damn fabulous I don't think I could stand it. They probably wouldn't want me wearing their clothes. The mom thing. Okay, I get that. But sisters? Isn't it some kind of rule that you get to do that? They go to different schools, so there shouldn't be a problem sharing, right? I must be missing something. I've been listening to hissing and spitting all day. I had no idea a word like, "borrowed" could be said in such a snotty way or create such a firestorm. Fur flew.

Is this the point where I wish my daughters be blessed with many daughters of their own???

HIGHER EDUCATION

2007-06-09T18:42:00.000-05:00

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his dad.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money, but the boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited."Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer...... : )

NEGLECTFUL BLOGGING

2007-06-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

Wow. It's Friday again and I haven't posted anything for a week. Tsk, tsk. Profuse apologies. So what's new? Hmmm. Sweet Pea broke up with Scooter and got a new job. FYI: If anyone owns stock in a certain Canadian institution known for their coffee and itty bitty donuts, you may want to consider selling. SHE GETS FREE COFFEE!!! I am a happy Mama...keep it on the DL that they're employing my kid, would ya? ; )

The business rigamarole continues, is exhausting, and Lawyerman would advise I have to be careful about what I put in the blog. Hell, I didn't go to law school and I'm smart enough to know that. WTF are we paying him the big bucks for again?!?! Ack, that's something to discuss later. I've been keeping a journal, so once it's all settled, I'll bore you with the gory details.

Since you're all nice enough to keep coming back to check up on me, it's only fair I post something. I'm all about fair. Unfortunately, my GaFF on blogging is pretty low right now. Creativity is at an all-time low. I'm cloaked in an aura of the absurd, but nothing seems funny enough to share. Yesterday Motorman said, "I'd like to say one day we'll laugh about this, but I doubt we will. It's just that bad." He also suggested between himself, Manimal and I, we dispense with such niceties as asking, "How are ya?" at the beginning of phone calls because, really, we all know it ain't gonna be good. Is this the beginning of our downfall? Whatever will become of us if we don't even have good manners anymore??? Heh. Maybe we'll laugh about that part one day.

'Til then, I had to rely on the joke archives to find a ha-ha to share. I chose these two because the first made me snicker and the second actually got a LOL. Then, because I'm so stressed out, I second guessed myself...will these jokes be offensive? Will the PC Police come after me? Fuck, I just hate them...the pompous, humourless droids aggravate the hell out of me! I'm trying to remember the last politically correct joke that made me laugh...I suppose it says something about me that I can't think of a single one, but I assure you, it doesn't mean what they say it does. Seems to me that just because you can find humour in something, it doesn't mean your core values are lacking. I had this argument with one of my college professors after she heard me repeat a joke...imagine how big this went over with She of the Women's Studies...

How did PMS get it's name?

Mad cow disease was taken.

I AM a woman. Trust me on this, I've been treated unfairly for no other reason than because I'm a woman. I've had/have/am currently ~~searching for a gun or chocolate~~ PMSing, and I think that little joke is gotdamn hilarious! Do I believe repeating this joke contributes to inequality? *snort* Puleeeeze. Must have really irked her to have to give me an A+ in her course. Teehee.

Iffin' ya can't take a little non-PC funnin', don't bother reading these jokes. You'll just get your knickers in a knot, blathering about how jokes that rely on stereotypes lack intelligence and further the oppression of the downtrodden. It will ruin your weekend. You may become so offended you'll feel the need to leave me a comment in the guise of enlightening me. You will forget that I warned you, as I am right now, that I'm wound so tight I'm starting to vibrate. I simply cannot wait for the first dumb schmuck to cross me. The tension is getting to me, people. I'm just looking for a fight and because you had the audacity to speak your mind....NO...you actually disagreed with me, I'll have to rip you a new one. It will be very ugly. I will spew venom. Does annhilation mean anything to you? Certainly, I will feel better in the short term, but it won't solve anything. Really, life's enough of a bitch without me being one....ummm, perhaps I should add unnecessarily to that statement : ) Do your part in making the world a better place today and choose wisely.

Remember, I gave ya fair warning. They're just jokes, not an indicator of who I am or what I believe in...they're just jokes!!! : )

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she
says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

***
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man, suddenly the Irishman says, "That man there is Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" asked Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, "Fuck off, I'm on workers compensation!!"

***

Hah, after the build up, I betcha you're just a little disappointed. C'mon, people, what did you expect? Cat in the blender jokes?

Have yourself a great weekend : )

NON-NEGOTIABLE HAIR RULE

2007-06-01T17:51:00.001-05:00

I don't care how fed up you are with the humidity and the fuzzy response happening atop your head....this rule is non-negotiable.

If you are ever at the salon, and the sylist asks quizzically, "So, you like, want a mullet?" LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!

Do not, under any circumstances, think it would be too embarassing to walk out.

Do not, under any circumstances, think you can make the scissor happy senorita understand that she isn't getting what you are describing and no freakin' way do you want a mullet.

Do not, under any circumstances, believe her when she says, "Oh yeah, I get it now."

Trust me, kids.

I'd share more, but I'm busy hunting down my old stylist and preparing a "help-me-I'm-begging," speech.

THE ANIMALS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE ZOO

2007-05-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

K-Bear just brought Rex home (thanx, again, K : ) He was directing traffic...by snoozing in the middle of the road....again.

Saturday, Manimal took Roxy with him on a drive. He stopped at the gas station to take her behind the building for a pee break. I guess she decided since the door was open, she'd trot into the store instead, and how lucky for her! Right there on the floor, served in buckets, was a rawhide buffet. Yum. She helped herself and Manimal paid.

By now, I'm sure you're thinking leashes would keep the inmates under control.

Not so.

Last week, I learned K-Bear's mother was parked in her driveway while they chatted. She was driving home and one block down, a little head popped up in the backseat and "Meeeooowwed." Max the Stowaway.

I think I'm just gonna lay chickenwire over the whole damn yard.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELECTRA : )

2007-05-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

Cheers, big sister! Here's hoping you get plenty of opportunity to lay around and enjoy all things good. Love and miss you muchly!! : )

However, don't forget, chores still have to be done...

Should anyone become confused that their idea of chores trumps yours, just remind them of this old tale...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Manitoba and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Alberta He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Saskatchewan. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a ittle out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher .

HOLIDAY PAY

2007-05-29T16:37:00.000-05:00

The loonie is at .93 USD...

Yo, MOTORMAN!!

Can I get my holiday pay now?

Manimal said I could.

: )

23 YEARS AGO...

2007-05-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

Beebles brought a wee baby boy into the world and he's delighted us ever since. (Sorry 'bout the family card you drew, kid, but I'm grateful...'cuz I loves ya to bits! )

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y
M O T O R M A N ! ! ! !

YEAH, I'M STILL HERE

2007-05-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

Had a great weekend, didn't get even close to stupidly drunk. Truth be told, I didn't want to get verbal diahrea in front of Manimal's mom. I found myself feeling extremely protective of her...the CMDR would call it my Mama Bear mode...yes, some people are in need of a whoopin' and a part of me wants to be the girl to do it.

Fact is, she's been widowed for less than three months, is having a hard time, and it must be exhausting work to steadily make the effort to move on. Was their marriage perfect? Certainly not. Yet, regardless of their human frailties, her companion of almost forty years is gone. I just can't imagine how painful it must be, and it's all being made worse by the insensitivity, selfishness and downright cruelty of some family members. That has me a little pissed.

However, I'm well aware of the universal rule that states, "I can bitch about my family, but if someone else does, it's go time." Sooo, I decided it was best to keep my wits about me, ensuring I'd always be able to locate my Shutthefuckupicis at a moment's notice.

We spent Friday and Saturday at the trailer relaxing because Manimal's mom looked really tired. I s'pose I better give her a blog name...how 'bout Manimama? Yes, I like it!

You don't?

Hmmm....

Too bad!! My blog. You are aware this is a dictatorship, right?

Well then...where was I? Oh, yes. Saturday. Mamacita took Manimama out to some yard sales in the afternoon. I think they needed the mental reprieve after Manimal almost sunk the boat. Yes, he really almost sank it. Damn can that boy move fast when he wants to....running, driving his truck to the launch, begging people to move out of his way, running back to the dock, pulling the boat out. A virtual whirlwind of activity (and entertaining as hell to other campers.) Seems he forgot to put the plug back in, and while he was bbq'ing and eating lunch, it was taking on water...now that coulda happened to anyone, right? *snort* Lucky bugger. Another 1/2 hour, and it would have been the boat we used to have.

Sunday we drove to Niagara Falls - Manimama confessed she was feeling guilty for making us drive so far - until we went on the Maid of the Mist. For anyone who's never been, it's well worth it to wear the hefty bag rainjackets and take that $14 boat ride. It's awe inspiring and the smile on her face was absolutely joyous. We had dinner at Planet Hollywood and I cracked up when this normally serious woman grinned at me while saying, "This seems fitting..." and ordered the smoothie called, "Home Alone." I think Ted would have LOVED it that she could make a small joke out of all the heartache.

Monday we went to the Hockey Hall of Fame and the CN Tower. Never a fan of heights, I waited in the tower restaurant while they checked out the glass floor...because really, I was trying hard to forget I was 114 storeys up. While I was waiting, I got the biggest laugh of my weekend.

I really wasn't trying to eavesdrop...a couple was sitting at the table next to me and she was one of those people who don't understand conversational voice. I swear I don't think I heard him say much, but I learned more about that woman than I know about some of my own family members. From what I ~~was subjected to~~ could gather, they were on a first date and were in getting to know each other mode. In reality, we were all getting to know her. I will share, since she obviously wanted AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE to know the intimate details of her life.

Imagine his delight, showing up in a nice jacket, tie and pants, and she arrives wearing a threadbare, beige, baggy sweater, brown skirt to the ankles - over black pants, no less - and a blue kercheif on her head. I can almost hear him now..."Woowhee, this one might be a keeper."

Over the next twenty minutes, she explained in excruiciating detail things I was thinkin' no man on a first date needs nor wants to hear. And he was being so polite, making interested hmmm and ahhh noises. I was hoping she would use his name so I could have the poor SOB paged. "You don't know me, but I feel your pain. This is your chance to run. Before you decide, ask yourself...can you honestly imagine being with this woman in ten years when she is no longer trying to wow you??? Run, you stupid man, RUN!"

I'd read the menu twelve times and was ready to beat Manimal if he didn't hurry up when I heard the fellow say, "Oh, well, I'm 44. That's a bigger age difference than I think I'm comfortable with." And she responded, "Would it make you feel better if I told you my first lover was 32 when I was 19? That's sooo much more of a difference than us." Sadly, I didn't get his response, but it couldn't have been forceful enough because the fair maiden was non-plussed. She proceeded to tell him she's only had four lovers because her body is very important to her, so she's particular about who she shares it with. I switched from coffee to beer.

Over on the Dating Game, the catch known as our bachlorette continued to share with lucky bachelor #658 - who was probably swearing off dating and/or considering jumping out the window, that shaving is an unnatural act. My mind was screaming, "HOW did I know she was going to say that?!?!" I swear, when she told him if people just didn't shave, the hair would become less dense like on our arms, held out her arm to demonstrate, and the dumb fucker actually reached out, touched and muttered, "Ah...um...yeah" I thought, "Oh, you tool. You DESERVE no better because you are TOO stupid and polite to save yourself!!!"

But then...the absolute kicker came shortly before my party arrived. Alas, it was too late to save me from doing what I do best.

She asked him, "Do you know what I tell people when they ask me why I don't shave?" I should have seen it coming but there was no time to prepare before she answered herself fiercely, "Because I'm a MAMMAL!!"

There I was...at a table for six all by myself...laughing my ass off and too far gone with the absolute injustice inflicted upon women mammals everywhere by the patriarchal razor blade companies to even try to hide it.

RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT

2007-05-18T01:59:00.000-05:00

For some reason, the Joker has been on my mind this week. I think somebody has reminded me of the smarmy grin and puke green mist floating around him.

My, oh my. When a girl discovers some pus ball is attempting a hostile takeover of the business her family has sacrificed dearly to build over the last four years, whatever IS a girl to do?

Some masked avenger is too busy cruising for chicks in the Batmobile to notice that damn light in the sky...or he's occupied pulling out a major wedgie. It's the tights. I tried to warn him, but you know how boys are...once Superman and Spidey had them, he just had to have a pair too.

But wait...what luck! Toronto has Lawyerman, who awaits in his tall, shiny lair...ready to be our new hero. So glad are we, the country mice, to have Lawyerman join in this fight against evil, we insist on laying at his wingtips *gulp* twenty thousand Superhero units of our good faith.

Motorman, ever mindful of the power of bargaining, made me so damn proud we have some of the same blood running through our veins. He glanced at the bottled water and cookies, then said with a straight face, "How 'bout you keep those and we'll give you 14, 500?" Bwahahahahah! The sky is falling and my nephew manages to keep his humour...gawd love him. I ADORE this "kid!" Even Lawyerman chuckled before he replied, "Uh, no."

Should you ever wonder just how important laughter is to me, no matter what's raining down, here's my favourite response from a friend, when I sent out an "S.O.S. My life just turned to shit" email:

"NO PUKING...we are tough...well you are tough...I am going to stand beside you and whack assholes and DINKHEADS alike....rubs hands togeother...this should be fun....you provide the best sports activities...WOW...."

*There was lots of touchy-feely stuff about taking care of myself and inviting me to hide at her house if I need to run away, which I just love her for. Thx Peep.*

"...but the rest of us need you here and in somewhat OK mental health....okay fuck the mental health....let's just go be nuts together....we can buy 100 pairs of shoes and blame it on stress....whatdaya say????"

I say, with the family and friends I've been blessed with, this too shall pass. Dear readers, if I'm MIA for a while here and there, I'm either standing by Lawyerman's side, or on a shoe shopping spree with the CMDR. I'll be back. : )

This weekend, I'll be at the trailer getting shit-faced drunk and probably disgusting Manimal's mom. Wheeeeee. Have a great weekend, y'all.

WHY HUSBANDS AREN'T SECRETARIES

2007-05-15T23:39:00.000-05:00

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer."

R&Rs PROVERBS OF THE DAY

2007-05-15T23:16:00.000-05:00

~ NEVER do business with someone if you question their mental stability. They will snap and you will be hit by the shrapnel.

~ It's VERY good to be friends with crazy people. Nothing surprises them and they'll save your sanity.

~ There really is more than one way to skin a cat.

~ Behind every sucessful man, there's a woman bitching (such as moi.)

~ She who laughs last, laughs best.

Note to Doughyboy: You fucked with the wrong man. That will be me you hear laughing.

I GOT NOTHING

2007-05-15T00:04:00.000-05:00

White screen of death here. Sorry, folks.

If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'd put tap shoes on my cats.

Why don't you think about that 'til we meet again?

: )

HAPPY TRAILS

2007-05-14T01:25:00.000-05:00

Special greetings to my friend at Lemon Stand as she continues her recuperation. REST, girl, REST! Despite the refrain being cyber-shouted at her, we were treated to a little fresh-squeezed lemonade the other day. Pop over and read I Raise You a Rat. As usual, her blog had me lmao and marvelling at P's ability to tell a tale in such an entertaining fashion. I, ever the smartass, couldn't resist leaving a goofy comment. I'm sure when she gets a chance to read this, she will appreciate the karma in the rest of my post...

Saturday we headed out to complete the chore of "opening the trailer" for the season. I'd joked about evicting spiders, mice and any other critters that had wintered in their waterfront condo. Now, I've never claimed to be a genius, but I ain't no fool neither. Sugah Pie, Sweet Pea and Scooter tagged along, well aware they were part of the labour force. Armed with buckets, bleach, rubber gloves, bleach, rags, bleach, air freshener, bleach, broom, bleach, rake and...ummm....oh yeah, a shitload of bleach, I felt confident we would end the day tired, but with a CLEAN summer spot.

I know what you're thinking. R&R, it's frigging camping for crying out loud! Dontcha think you're being a little obsessive on the bleach? Hrmph. I think not. When Manimal and I were dating, he asked if I liked camping. I told him my idea of roughing it is choosing between packing my hairdryer OR curling iron. The trailer is major concession on my part. I'm growing, but it's a slow process. And let's remember, the place has been locked up for eight months. Gawd only knows what has been living in there. Before I cook, eat or sleep a la roughing it, I will sanitize.

By the time we arrived, Manimal had removed the tarp, and hooked up water, electricity and propane. We sat at the picnic table for a bit, the girls showed Scooter around and Manimal gave me his report. When he opened the bathroom vanity, a mouse stared him down (okaaay, I don't care if it's not cool to take a cat camping, Max is coming with me until he hunts that little sucker down!) A super-special treat for moi this year...hot water! No more boiling kettles to do dishes (such luxuries - tres exciting, yes?) The tree that fell on the trailer during the winter hadn't caused any damage (Capital L - Lucky) and since the park owner chopped it for us, we have oodles of wood for campfires (bonus.) Unfortunately, a tree falling tends to cause some commotion, and appliance doors were closed. For several months. (Uh-oh.) Perhaps gazing at my wrinkled nose caused him to break it gently.

"There's a ton of black mold in the fridge and freezer. It's pretty gross."

"You do remember I'm allergic to penecillin, right?"

"You wanna deal with the septic system?"

Touche.

So, we pressed on...Manimal and the kids carrying out patio furniture, mattresses, cushions, etc. Nothing like clean air and sunshine to air things out. The music played, the beer was consumed, and new memories were made. He dealt with the septic system and cleared brush while I washed every possible surface with my trusty bleach. While I was scrubbing away at the fridge mold, muttering, "Ew ew ewwww," I couldn't help but think of Lemon Stand's post. Serves me right for laughing at her expense! Karma's a bitch, right?

During my scouring, I'd found a half-full bottle of Mr. Clean under the kitchen cupboard. There wasn't a cap on it, and when I peered in, I saw a blackish swirl at the bottom. Thinking it was skunky, I'd set it aside on the deck to add to the trashbag. As we gathered our belongings to leave, patting each other on the back for a job well done, I realized Manimal had already taken the trash away. I decided to dump the contents behind a tree, toss the bottle in my trunk and throw it out at home. As will happen when a bottle is tipped upside down, the liquid came rushing out, but I could still feel something was stuck. I gave a hard shake and out plopped a slick, bluish, bloated, half-bald, mouse - landing on it's back, it's death stare peering up at me, tiny teeth bared by the perfect "O" on it's little mouth.

I ran out from behind the tree yelling, "OHICKICKICKIWANNNNAAAAGOOOOOHOOOOOOME!!!!" This apparently was cause for great amusement as I tried to explain my trauma. When Manimal, Scooter and the girls stopped laughing, I asked my MAN to take care of it. He replied nature would take care of it.

Whaaaaaa????

Incredulous at such insensitivity, I asked if he truly expected me to return all summer long, while he was content to leave the rodent that drowned in my cleaning supplies decomposing beside my frikin' hammock.

"C'mon," he cajoled with a grin. "We're camping."

I screeched, "DO I LOOK LIKE LAURA FUCKING INGALLS TO YOU?"

He took care of the body. And so, another summer of family fun begins.

HEY, YOU!!!

2007-05-12T01:20:00.000-05:00

Have a great weekend ; )

TODDLER GETS STUCK IN VENDING MACHINE

2007-05-12T00:41:00.000-05:00

I must have a real mean streak about me these days. Ah, well. So be it. This had me ROTFLMAO! Good thing Little Bobby knows how to work a screwdriver, 'cuz I don't think the little dickens' future looks too bright.

Wis. Toddler Pursuing a Stuffed Sponge Bob Toy Ends Up Getting Stuck in Vending Machine
The Associated Press
ANTIGO, Wis.
Three-year-old Robert Moore went fishing for a stuffed replica of Sponge Bob and ended up trapped in a vending machine. The toddler's adventure began with a Saturday evening shopping trip with his grandmother, Fredricka Bierdemann, and three siblings.

Bierdemann ended the trip by giving each child a dollar and telling them to have fun in a retailer's game room. A stuffed Sponge Bob in a vending machine's bin caught Robert's eye. He tried without success to fish it out with a plastic crane."I told him I could get it for him," his grandmother said. "He's a character. He said, 'Oh no, I can get it.'"

When she turned her back to get another dollar for a second try, Robert took off his coat and squeezed through an opening in the machine. He landed in the stuffed animal cube."I turned around and looked for him, and he said, 'Oma, I'm in here," Bierdemann said. "I thought I would have a heart attack." Imagine explaining that to ER personnel. "I started having pain when my grandson got stuck in the plastic cage..."

"Nurse, call C.A.S....and Psych."

Store employees couldn't find a key to the machine, so Robert waited while the Antigo Fire Department was called. "He was having a ball in there, hugging all the stuffed animals," Bierdemann said. "He was so good-natured, but I was shaking like a leaf."

Firefighters broke one lock but then spotted two latches inside the plastic cube. They passed a screwdriver to Robert. "He stacked up all the stuffed animals and used that screwdriver to open the latch," his grandmother said. "You should have seen him go." Golly, what a little whiz...look out MIT! Here comes Bobby...

Eventually, Robert freed himself. But his mother, Marie Moore, and grandmother said they were lucky that he remained calm when another child might not have. He went home safe but without a stuffed Sponge Bob. C'mon, Mommy, face facts. He didn't scoop the toy while everyone was distracted, shaking, running to and fro searching for keys? This kid IS Sponge Bob.

Information from: Antigo Daily Journal, http://www.antigodailyjournal.com

NOAH'S ARK...TODAY

2007-05-11T00:02:00.000-05:00

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated. And I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. "NOAH!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a Sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a Bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.''

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and in humane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environment impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world? "

"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

MY I.O.U.s

2007-05-10T15:35:00.000-05:00

Tango, Joyful Grunt, Prof, Damnit Janet, C.C. and Apple: Eeek...I've been seriously remiss in answering emails. Please forgive? C'monnnn...you forgive me. I know ya do. You can't resist my charm. It's just too damn powerful, isn't it??? ; D (Just so ya know...fighting it is futile, I grow stronger every day, so you may as well just admit I am irresistable....*snort*)

Emails on the way tonight. I sah-wear!!

WHY MECHANICS LOVE WOMEN...

2007-05-10T02:26:00.001-05:00

Just saw this old one...it still cracks me up. $70 for lighter installation...omg, what a moron!!

HAIR OF THE DOG

2007-05-10T02:20:00.001-05:00

Methinks Manimal let Rex drink too much last weekend..

THE NEST ISN'T QUITE RIGHT

2007-05-09T23:37:00.000-05:00

Supah Stah sent me a text message early this morning: "Oh, Saskatchewan, how flat thou art..." Anyone who has driven across the prairies is nodding their head right now. I really wanted to text back: "Just as flat as it was when you were stretched out in the backseat, wearing your iPod and playing Gameboy, only stopping to fight with your sisters or ask if we had any good food. Hah! How do you like me, now?" Instead, I sent the brilliant response, "Yep. Sucks, huh?"

With every text he sends, I'm delighted to know he's okay, but it's just killing me not to say, "I told you so."

He chose to drive the route that took him through the States, and the border guards went through his car with a fine tooth comb...even wanted to unwrap the prezzies I'd sent for Jelly Bean and Oz. "Can you believe that?"

Wait. I'm going to have to think about this one. Canada/US border, 3:30 AM, lone 18 year old, dark complected, brunette male who hasn't shaved for 3 days, indistinguishable belongings jammed into every possible crevice of vehicle, trying to enter the United States. And they asked questions? Shocking.

"Do you have any idea how expensive gas is?" Hold on, let me check the MasterCard statement, because I haven't a clue.

"Thanks for packing that food for me. It really saved me a lot of cash." How odd. It was supposed to be more expensive than fast-food on the highway.

"I'm having a great time!" Me? Hardly noticed you're gone.

Man, I hate this. I don't know how to let go gracefully. Do I think I've done a good job raising him and he's able to take care of himself? Yes. Do I know this is the natural order of life? Yes. Do I know I'll survive? Yes. But I miss him so much, I actually cried when we got off the phone tonight. What a dork. AND he's staying in touch more than I have a right to expect, so I feel doubly stupid. Know what I hate worst of all? I'm such a frikin' cliche.

I am every young man's nightmare MOM, whining in a public forum, about how hard it is to watch my baby bird taking flight.

As I write this, he's having a few drinks with my brother...a first for them...and I made his uncle promise to keep the hookers to single digits. I can't repeat what he said...but oh, how they laughed at me.

TIME MARCHES ON

2007-05-09T20:20:00.000-05:00

Veteran Percy "Dwight" Wilson died this morning at the age of 106, leaving only one known surviving veteran of the First World War.

Jennifer Campbell, CanWest News Service
Published: Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Ninety-one years after Percy Dwight Wilson enlisted as a bugle boy, the nation marks his passing - Canada's second-last First World War veteran.

The death of Mr. Wilson, 106, this week, leaves only John Babcock as the lone Canadian survivor of the Great War.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper paid tribute to the Oshawa resident yesterday. "Today I was deeply saddened to learn of the death of Dwight Wilson, one of Canada's last surviving veterans of the First World War. "As a nation, we honour his service and mourn his passing."

Mr. Wilson was one of nine children raised in Vienna, a hamlet outside of London, Ont. He enlisted in 1915 because he felt it was his duty. He trained as a mounted bugler before joining Toronto's 69th Artillery Battery - three years shy of the legal minimum. After basic training in Niagara and Petawawa, Ont., Dwight was sent to England. On the two-week North Atlantic crossing, he entertained the troops with his wonderful singing voice. Mr. Wilson later recalled crossing the Atlantic. "The ship was zigzagging to avoid torpedo boats," he told the London Free Press.

Once in England, his superiors realized he was too young and held him back from the front lines. He stayed in the reserves a short time, digging trenches in Dover before being sent back to Canada. There, he was discharged as a minor, but a still-determined Mr. Wilson re-enlisted in the 69th Battery. He was discharged again in 1918. Mr. Wilson's patriotism didn't wane after that. Two decades later, when the Second World War broke out, Mr. Wilson became a captain in Stratford's 1st Regiment Reserves.

"By then, he was too old for active duty, but he tried," said Mr. Wilson's son Paul. Mr. Wilson wasn't even known to Veterans Affairs until he was 102. The department discovered him when his retirement home inquired about getting him the Queen's Golden Jubilee medal. Mr. Wilson also received the McCrae medallion, which was awarded to First World War veterans on the 80th anniversary of the end of the war.

Before and after the wars, Mr. Wilson led a long, full life. A concert baritone, he studied at the Royal Conservatory and performed at Massey Hall. He met his wife Eleanor Dean, also a singer, while studying music. The Wilsons had two sons, Paul and Dean, who died in December 1956. "He was only 28, so that was a big loss to the family," Paul said. With only a Grade 10 education, Dwight Wilson enjoyed a successful, 47-year career with Bell Canada. Paul Wilson chuckled as he recalled that his father retired in 1966 and collected pension for four decades. "It kind of throws the actuaries' calculations off if you collect for that long," Paul said. Paul said his father was pleased to have received the Queen's Golden Jubilee Medal, even if he'd gone unnoticed for all those decades. "He's always kind of thrived on recognition," he said.

Mr. Wilson, you certainly deserved it! Thank you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COMMANDER!!

2007-05-09T00:49:00.000-05:00

So sad we can't re-create your party, but I offer a few treats through cyber space in honour of this fine day...

May visions of sugar cookies dance through your head...

and try to stay off bar tops, young lady. At the very least, keep your eye on his nightstick ; )

Have a great day - Luv Ya!!! : )